Learicks -- improve on Lear
 

The "newly discovered Lear poems" thread reminded me of a contest the Washington Post once ran asking for limericks that start with two lines of a Lear limerick. I think the premise is that Lear started his limericks well but didn't finish them well, throwing away his L5 to basically repeat L1. Here are a few that I wrote for that contest. They're sort of fun to write, so I thought maybe some of you would like to give it a whirl.


There was an Old Person of Chili
Whose conduct was painful and silly;
For dinner she’d dine
On a baked porcupine,
Though it left her esophagus quilly.

*

There was a Young Lady whose nose
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
When Pinnochio walked by,
He said, "What's the lie
I must tell if I want one of those?"

*

There was a Young Girl of Majorca
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
But the girl would insist
They instead dance the twist,
For the girl was a very fast torquer.

*

There was an Old Person of Cadiz
Who was always polite to the ladies,
And although he was old,
His conquests, all told,
Numerically topped Warren Beatty’s.

*

There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
But his wife said, "I'm glad!
I’m aware that sounds bad,
But his snores are far worse than his screams."

*

There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When three men mistook her
For a common street hooker,
They asked, “What’s the price of a four-way?”

***

And for many other examples by others, here are the limericks/learicks that the Washington Post chose to publish. (Some of you may be stopped by the paywall).

Those are lovely, Roger. I especially like torquer for talker.

OK, here's one more:

There was an old man with a beard,
Who said: It is just as I feared.
My follicle prowess
Won’t impress a mouse.
That’s the rhyme that he had engineered.

John

Roger, these are great! I spent way too much time writing limericks based on popular songs a couple of weeks ago for the Washington Post’s Style Invitational, so I’ll try not to get too sucked into this… But, here’s a first attempt.

There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits.
Said he, “Don’t say ‘yuck’;
I need feet for the luck —
And what monster would then waste the drab bits?”

There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst
From a hectoring bottle
That likely as not’ll
Soon cause his poor bladder to burst.

Good ones, Coleman.

I also entered some song limericks. Let's hope we see our names next week when the results come out, but it was fun either way.

A girl with a huge diamond neckless,
Was known to be terribly reckless.
It fell down a drain
At a hotel in Spain.
She just laughed at its loss, which was feckless.

Roger, thanks for starting this thread. I am stopped by the payroll, but I've read everything here, so I shall try.


There was on Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they knocked him spark out
With a huge Brussels sprout
They'd wrapped up in his own thermal vest.

- - -

There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows.
It grew so very long,
She attracted the Dong:
He presented a fragrant red rose.

🌹

Fliss, how lovely to see the actual rose in question! These are all a lot of fun.

John

Nice ones, Jayne and Fliss! Roger, yes, I hope to see both our names next week. Did you submit anything for tomorrow’s song parody? I sent in a few for it; we’ll see what happens tomorrow.

Also, I’ve written more limericks…

There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky.
But so far this summer
Sun’s also a bummer:
When melting, it’s hard to feel perky.

***

There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool.
She said, “I’ll just make it
A new protein shake!” It
Now sells double-priced as “Ab Fuel.”

***

There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall.
He declared at a trot, “Um,
‘Round here we say ‘autumn,’
But, yes, it’s been simply banal.”

There was a Young Lady of Ryde
Whose shoe-strings were seldom untied;
But the day she went joggin’
And fell on her noggin,
Her death was pronounced ‘shoe-icide.’

**

There was a Young Lady of Parma
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
So calm, so sedate,
That it spawned a debate
About whether to wake or embalm her.

**

There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
Then ironically he
Was engulfed by the sea,
Never to live down that quote.

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, “It is just as I feared ! —
My detractors still use
Bald-faced liar with Cruz,
Though the rim of my mug’s disappeared.”

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, “It is just as I feared ! —
The world thinks I'm mad,
And even my dad
Believes I should be Britney Speared."

There was an Old Person of Cadiz
Who was always polite to all ladies;
Then one sneered, “Su acento
Es—sin argumento—
Atroz.” He consigned her to Hades.

There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
"I vish dat I had a
Much, much taller ladder,"
Said his tailor, "to fit you fer pents."

There was an Old Person of Cromer
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
Then she said, “Where’s the ball
That gets hit past the wall?
The title must be a misnomer."

Roger, that last one is splendid.

John

There was an Old Man on a hill,
Who seldom, if ever, stood still;
So they put him to sleep
On the back of a sheep
With the help of a powerful pill.

- - -

There was a Young Person of Smyrna,
Whose Grandmother threatened to burn her;
But she said, 'Goodness' sake!',
As she brandished a snake,
And Gran fled, for the snake was much sterner.

There was an Old Man of Kamschatka
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur.
On Christmas it ate
All the goose on its plate,
On Hanukkah all of the latke.

**

There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
He asked the Pied Piper
To cast out the viper
But the Piper did not give a toot.

There was an Old Person of Spain
Who hated all trouble and pain;
His answer? Sangría.
“It's the best panacea,"
He paused between sips to explain.

One more before bed (it's coming up to 1am here) :-)

There was an Old Man with a gong
Who bumped at it all the day long;
So they took it away,
But the very next day
He burst into deafening plainsong.

Fliss, your latest offering reminds me a bit of this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjA6bA1qtfQ

Cheers,
John

Well, that's ideal, John; thank you <(:-)

Couple more:

There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a bee;
So they gave it some bells,
To play sweet bagatelles,
And the Man became buzzy with glee.

- - -

There was a young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But a gust of air blew
And with shrieks up she flew
As some well-to-do waxwings came florking.

- - -
I'm getting worse, aren't I? <(:-)

[double post]

It's fun, isn't it? Lear gives us a head start with two lines, and we just have to do three.

I also did the man who was bored by the bee:

There was an Old Man in a tree
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
You could hear the man moan,
“Oh that Bee’s such a drone!
And he bumbles his dull repartee!”

There was a Young Lady of Clare
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
As she ran, she said, "Blame me
For copying Amy
Winehouse's beehive-shaped hair!"

**

There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking.
They were decent for walking
But hampered his stalking
And thoroughly bollixed his sneaking.

Yes, Roger; nice to have a head start with a poem :-)

Two before bed:


There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'You look odd!'
He just smiled with a nod
And proceeded to eat it with zest.

- - -

There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size,
Being the shade of fine rain
And as big as her brain
So she worked for the government spies.

There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it.
An enthused rooster, which cock
Had watched Alfred Hitchock,
Cried, “Hey, don’t just sit there, doggone it!”

Trying one with the newly discovered limerick…

There was an old man on a bicycle
Whose nose was adorned with an icicle.
Seems he’d misheard a tot
Who’d declared, “Frozen’s not
The best thing in the world since the tricycle.”

There was an Old Person of China,
Whose daughters were Jiska and Dinah...
Damn it, falsehoods like these
Disrespect the Chinese!
Doubly so, if they have a vagina!

Brilliant, Julie :-)

Two more:

There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
He got up on his roof
And he shouted, 'Woof, woof!
'I am Lord Dog, your furious Saviour!'

- - -

There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But it gave such a cough
That the Old Man fell off
And was trampled right there in the grass.

There was an old man at a Station,
Who made a promiscuous oration;
Now there's not just Faux News,
But Faux Weather, to choose
For such foaming-mouthed disinformation.

:)

My mother encourages me in the next attempt:

There was an Old Person of Chili.
Whose conduct was painful and silly;
He struck a long match
Rather close to some thatch,
Setting fire to the roof of one Willy.

There was an Old Person of Philae
Whose conduct was scroobius and wily;
Folks asked, “What is ‘scroobius’?
Its meaning is dubious.”
“Why ask if you know?” he said drily.


**

There was an Old Man with a nose
Who said, 'If you choose to suppose
I pilfered this snoot off
A reindeer named Rudolph,
You won’t be surprised that it glows.”

**

There was a Young Lady of Troy
Whom several large flies did annoy;
"They're coming, of course,
From that filthy old horse,
A gift from that jilted Greek boy."

**

There was an Old Person of Ems
Who casually fell in the Thames,
Which is fitting and normal.
One must, though, go formal
When dropping in at the PM's.

I had to try...

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!–
When I drink my pea soup
I'm quite cloaked in green gloop
And my wife says, "Good God, you look weird!"'

- - -

There was a Young Lady of Ryde,
Whose shoe-strings were seldom untied;
Fastening left shoe and right
In a knot so damned tight
She could spread her legs just one inch wide.

There was an Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
UV’ed DNA
Fluoresces that way,
So the cops brought him in, PDQ.

There was an Old Man with a nose,
Who said, "If you choose to suppose,
That I use it to smell,
You are plenty wrong, gal.
For the truth is, I use it to pose."

Fliss, do "smell" and "gal" rhyme in your neck of the woods? They don't in mine. Any number of tweaks possible, such as

There was an Old Man with a nose,
Who said, "If you choose to suppose
That I use it to smell,
You have not chosen well
For the truth is, I use it to pose."

I like your fifth line, but if you want to be raunchier in the great limerick tradition, how about "For I use it to pick and to pose"?

There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny.
He said, “There’s no shortage
Of coins, per reportage —
But I sure as hell can’t find any.”

I can't read and I can't write, but that don't really ma'err
because I comes from Gloucestershire and I can drive a trac'err.

Yes, Roger; here in Glos, 'gal' = 'gell'.

There was an Old Man with a nose,
Who said, "If you choose to suppose,
It's my handsomest thing,
Well, you're wrong. Let us sing
Of my fifty-foot hardwearing hose!"

Fliss shrieks and rushes out of her own poem.

Hose? Is there some problem with the man's trousers?

John