The Oldie: Sleepers
 

Do you know, I thought we would win something here. But we didn't alas. Four of us were also-rans. Congratulations and commiserations to Jayne Osborn, Peter Wyton, Bill Greenwell and my good self. The winners can be found under Oldie Competition.

The new competition looks a goodie. Here it is.

Competition No 125

Retell, with some variation, a well-known fairytale in verse. Maximum 16 lines. Entries to Competition No 125 by 4th June. email comps@theoldie.co.uk

The Princess and the Pea


She went up to bed and lay down her head
on a pillow, so delicately,
but during the night imagined a bite
in a place that was awkward to see.

She went and got powder, as custom allowed her,
to kill an importunate flea,
but all that she found was a small little round
imprudent marrowfat pea.

She viewed it agog-- the pea was a frog;
(she felt this by mental telepathy)
that got to her room and became a legume.
(‘twas an old frog and slightly decrepity)

When she realised this, she knew that a kiss
would change the pea back to a prince,
when she did in a minute and a prince was soon in it
and they’ve both lived so happily since.

Nice, Jim. But what four lines are you going to lose? As it happens I have a sonnet I wrote along time ago which would (I think) fit the bill.

Here it is.

Sleeping Beauty

Is it today perhaps that Happiness
Will come, that Happiness, withheld so long,
Will come to scale the wall and right the wrong,
To stop, stoop, smile and, with a royal kiss,
Gather your soul into another life?
You can see his horse there, tethered on the grass,
Steaming with horsiness from nose to arse,
You can feel the expectation like a knife.
Is it too late, too late to make a start?
Your soul, your virgin soul untouchable,
Somewhere inside, somewhere below the heart,
Awakens into frantic dishabille:
My Prince, my Prince, he has come to make me well,
My Alexander and my Bonaparte!

Two good ones!

John, adjust your glasses. Jim's is just 16 lines.

I have a few fractured fairy tales in the can, but alas, none of them are short enough.

Goldilocks and the Three Bears

Among the worst affairs
in the history of bears
no episode compares
to the one I now relate:

three bears went for a spin,
a little girl broke in,
and with a happy grin
she sat down and she ate

some porridge that was there,
then used the bear's best chair.
Returning to their lair,
they found it was too late:

the porridge was all gone.
But life, of course, goes on.
They murdered her anon,
then ate her off a plate.

Sorry Jim. I could have sworn there were five stanzas.

No problem John, you said it was nice, that's the bit I read.

JACK AND THE BEANSTALK

A mother and her little boy lived once upon a time
in poverty conditions. They had nothing. Only grime.
They had to find a way to eat. The question, though, was how.
There was no meat upon the bones of their malnourished cow.

One day the mother told the boy, "Jack, go into town
and sell the cow. I'm sure it's worth, at minimum, a crown."
But Jack decided he would sell the cow for just one bean.
His mother, when she learned of this, said something quite obscene.

The bean had magic properties and sprouted to the sky,
and Jack climbed to the top and heard a giant say "fee fie."
The giant started chasing Jack while chanting words in rhyme,
the gist of which was he had plans for Jack come dinnertime.

He picked up Jack in one big fist, but Jack somehow squirmed loose,
and as he ran away he swiped the giant's magic goose.
Now Jack and mom are rich from all the gold eggs it is laying.
But mom still punished Jack. She said, "I can't stand disobeying."

Bob has just reminded me of one that might fit the bill also;

The Investigation

The giant tumbled from the stalk until he hit the ground;
he didn’t rise or try to talk as people gathered round.
Was he pushed or did he fall?The case was most complex,
the cops went out and brought in all the usual suspects.

Bo Peep’s confession, sheepishly, initially brought joy,
but Toad, uriah-heepishly, gave her an alibi.
Humpty Dumpty, there’s no doubt, at first was not afraid,
but then he cracked and they found out how omelettes are made.

“De Jure, facto, ad hoc est”- His hifalutin jargon
saved Prince Charming from arrest as part of a plea bargain.
Then just as everyone was scared the guilty ones would walk,
the radio and TV blared; “Jack and the beans talk!”

I was thinking of Jack and the Beanstalk but I won't think of it any longer. Those two are good enough to put me off.