Please post your new submissions to this thread. I've locked Draft 2 and Classic Jokes. When there's a Draft #4 I'll lock or delete Draft 3. If you have edits to poems we've already selected, email me or post them here.

Carol

Out Cruising

Ole and Lena were in his car,
her hand squeezing his thigh.
Her palm slid up his leg so far
his underwear rode high.

Then Lena sighed passionately
"Oh, Ole, I tell you truth,
you can go all the way with me..."
So Ole drove to Duluth.

Out Courting

Ole and Lena were going to da bjarn,
da Hjallstrom's bjarn, and da big costume party,
and when dey were traversin da Hjallstrom's fjarm
and crossing hand-in-hand da nortwest forty,

Ole gussied up as an angus bull
and Lena dressed as a cow bound for da fair,
lo and behold! dere was a real bull
pawin da ground and snortin in da air!

"What shall we do?" cried Lena in a fit,
wit never a tree to climb in all dat grass.
"Lena, I'm going to make a run for it,
and as for you, I sugjest you brace your ass."

SURVIVAL KIT

A banker and a supermodel, victims of a shipwreck,
BANNED POST BANNED POSTwashed up together in the inland bay
of an uncharted atoll in the balmy South Pacific.
BANNED POST BANNED POSTAt first they hoped for rescue any day.

But weeks gave way to seasons, bringing tropical bad weather.
BANNED POST BANNED POSTThey built a hut against the rain and winds,
and when the monsoon hit they sheltered in the hut together,
BANNED POST BANNED POSTand so became the very best of friends.

Next morning, Cyndi asked her lover what to do to please him.
BANNED POST BANNED POST“I want to show you how I feel. Is there
some fantasy you’re holding back?” John answered, halfway teasing,
BANNED POST BANNED POST“I wonder if you’d mind cutting your hair?”

The supermodel, thinking just how far she was off camera,
BANNED POST BANNED POSTagreed to cut her hair. “I get the picture.”
“Hold still,” he said and drew a thin moustache that hid her dimples.
BANNED POST BANNED POST“I wonder if you’d let me call you Victor?”

“I never thought you’d ask for this,” said Cyndi, quite upset,
BANNED POST BANNED POSTBut since it’s just a fantasy, all right.”
John leaned back on his elbows and confided, “Vic, I bet
BANNED POST BANNED POSTyou’ll never guess who I slept with last night!”


--Carol A. Taylor

The Bible Quiz

Three nuns stood at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter’d lost his book.
“My dears, I cannot read your Fates
For in it, I can’t look.

That is to say, I cannot tell
Who’s meant for here, and who for Hell.
Until I find where my book is
I’ll decide with a bible quiz.
Guess right, you’re saved; guess wrong, you’re burned.”
The great saint to the first nun turned.

“Now sister, dear,” Saint Peter said,
“In God’s great master plan,
A life He made from dust so dead–
Now name me this first man.”

“Oh golly gee!” cried the first nun
“That really is an easy one:
Adam,” she said, then churchbells rang
And harpstrings played and angels sang
And cherubs flew out, five by seven,
And carried her off into Heaven.

“Your question now,” the saint essayed
To the next nun in line,
“‘From Adam’s rib, what maid was made
By He who is divine?’”

“Oh golly gee!” cried the next nun
“That really is an easy one:
That’s Eve,” she said, then churchbells rang
And harpstrings played and angels sang
And cherubs flew out, five by seven,
And carried her off into Heaven.

“‘Madam, I’m Adam,’” quoth the saint,
“This palindrome we learn–
Ad’s words to Eve, so fine and quaint.
Yet Eve’s words in return?”

“Oh golly gee,” cried the third nun,
“That really is a hard one.
That’s really hard–” Then churchbells rang
And harpstrings played and angels sang
And cherubs flew out, five by seven,
And carried her off into Heaven....

-- Kevin Andrew Murphy

[This message has been edited by Kevin Andrew Murphy (edited July 08, 2002).]

SOLAR LUNACY


The moon's more useful than the sun,
though sometimes it wanes and sometimes it waxes.
I'd pick the moon if I could pick only one
heavenly body that spins on its axis.

The moon shines when it's dark, and so
it's useful in helping us find our way.
The sun provides its warmth and glow
when we don't need it much: by day.

Mommy-Mommy verses

“Mommy-mommy, will I die?”
“Hush now, dear, and drink your lye.”

“Mommy-mommy, what’s a vamp?”
“Quiet, drink your blood, you scamp!”

“Mommy-mommy, what’s a ghoul?”
“Shut up! Eat your brains, you fool!”

“Mommy-mommy, please, I’m pleadin’
I don’t want to visit Sweden.
It is cold and always snowing.”
“Shut up, dear, and keep on rowing.”

“Mommy-mommy, it’s uncanny,
I don’t want to visit granny.
She’s so ugly I start wigging.”
“Shut up, dear, and don’t stop digging.”

“Mommy-mommy, my dear mother
I don’t like my little brother.
Don’t like him like I adore you.”
“Shut up, eat what’s put before you.”

--

Kevin Andrew Murphy

Kevin, I like your mommy-mommy jokes. There's one more I can think of from when my parents used to tell me these jokes when I was very young. In the form you've adopted, it goes something like:

"Mommy-mommy, I'm imploring!
What we're doing now is boring.
May I go out and play for real?"
"Shut up, it's your turn to deal."


***


And today (July 11) I'm posting another one I remember:

"Mommy, mommy, I'd adore
a glass of milk! Could you please pour?
Milk's so tasty! Give me some!"
"Shut up, dear, and drink your rum."



[This message has been edited by Roger Slater (edited July 11, 2002).]

Vintage.

A patron in a bar demands a shot
of scotch and says it must be twelve year old.
The barman serves a two year thinking not
a chance he'll know the age of what I’ve sold.
The patron spits it out and shouts “You bozo!
I said a twelve year old— still unimpressed
the barman serves a six year but no go;
the patron has the same reaction, lest
he’s sued the barman serves the proper year.
Satisfied at last the patron drinks.
O’Brien who watched, sends down a drink saying “Here
drink this mishter tell me what ye thinks”.
“It tastes like piss” the patron shoots back “Why”
“It ish” O’Brien says “Now, how old am I?”

Jim Hayes




[This message has been edited by Jim Hayes (edited July 12, 2002).]

Speaking of Mommy jokes, some folk may remember the 'Little Audrey' jokes which were in vogue a while back.
Their essence was a macabre gallows humor, there was quite a selection of them and I've had a go at versifying one;

Little Audrey

Little Audrey asks the friendly cop she’s seen patrol his beat;
“Have you seen my daddy officer?” “He’s just across the street”
says the cop, so Little Audrey runs across to meet her dad
but is knocked down by a motor car and everyone is sad,
except the cop who laughs so much he truly has a ball—
“Sure I knew right well it wasn’t Little Audrey’s dad at all!”

Jim Hayes