Your skillful ditties are requested. Please select one of these new topics not found on the front page.

1.

PARIS, NOVEMBER 5. On any given day here, you can find yourself dodging a municipal worker on a bright green motor scooter with a vacuum-cleaner hose attachment who is weaving down the sidewalk homing in on exactly what you are trying to avoid — dog droppings.

A slight sucking sound and, voilà, the sidewalk is more or less clean.

The scooters, officially called "caninettes" but almost always referred to as "motocrottes" (politely translated as "crudmobiles") have operated for nearly 20 years.

While Londoners and New Yorkers were forced to clean up after their pets or pay huge fines, Parisians were able to practice the art of staring into space as their dogs did their business. Then, move on, head high.

But all that is about to change... the scooters will be phased out...As of 2002, a new law will require the city's 200,000 dog owners to clean up after their pets...Next year, the 2000 workers assigned to write parking tickets will also be issuing fines to errant dog owners. Fines begin at about $180 and go up to about $420.

Moreover ... the new tickets will take a particularly direct route to the justice system, to cut out the possibility that a friend in the government can "fix" the ticket, which happens 30 percent of the time with parking tickets.

Mr. Contassot says he is sure that Parisians will be behind the new efforts... Each year, some 600 people end up hospitalized or with broken limbs from slipping on dog droppings. Doctors have warned of a growing danger of parasitic infestations if Parisians don't change their habits soon.

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2.

EL DORADO, ARKANSAS OCTOBER 24.

McDonald's employees found a dead deer under a sink in the men's bathroom, and police were trying to figure out how it got there.

"I am taking this matter very seriously," owner Larry Smith said Tuesday. "The safety of my restaurant, employees and customers are among my highest priorities and will never be compromised."

Manager Jeff Moss told police he couldn't figure out how someone could get the deer inside the restaurant without someone noticing. He also said surveillance video cameras, which are aimed at the cash registers, didn't record the incident ... Employees reported finding the doe Sunday morning.

"Whoever brought it in probably did it while the workers were there," said police Capt. Carl Blake. "There were no signs of forced entry."

Thanks for this assignment, Kate -- though I'm afraid it's impossible for me to be as amusing as the original story.

I can't claim it's all that skillful -- maybe I can fix it up a little bit later -- but here goes:

My Life as a Parisian Superhero

“It’s a bike! It’s a vacuum! It’s Motocrotte Man!”
Exclaims a Parisian polluter.
The women all swoon. (Nothing beats the elan
Of a man on a poop-scooping scooter.)

The Crudmobile weaving toward each canine leaving,
I modestly tip my beret,
Proceeding to glean, in a flash of bright green,
That pasture, the Champs Elysee.

Admired by my neighbors for Augean labors
Against the dominion of Turd,
I'm Merde Uebermensch -- quintessentially French
Superman of the Absurd.




[This message has been edited by ChrisW (edited November 11, 2001).]

New Spring Fashion

So chic, the French, so ooh la la,
especially in gay Paree.
But now the city's gone ga-ga
disposing of their dogs' ca-ca.

No more to see les motocrottes
cleaning feces of canine species.
Les Parisiennes will learn to squat
and scoop. Ignore it they may not.

But with their chic they soon will sell
les scoopeurs designed chez Chanel.

And puppies will be au courant
in doggie diapers a la Laurent.

[This message has been edited by nyctom (edited November 09, 2001).]

There's no way I would tackle the canine caveat, not after the two preceding poems. So you get the Arkansas affair.
I'm curious though. Why is it so much easier to write silliness?

Dateline, El DOE-rado

I take the matter seriously, says owner Larry Smith,
The safety of my customers, is what I'm working with.
There may not be much evidence, but what there is is clear -
Beneath the men's room basin, well, some turkey left a deer.

We have surveillance cameras, but they only watch the crew
To keep 'em honest with the till, and with the public too.
I never thought to aim 'em back where people do their duty
Ain't even sure it's legal to be filming someone's bootie.

Police chief says, "It must have been in part an inside job.
There's nothing to suggest that someone jimmied up the knob.
But since it's Sunday morning, let's pursue a simple plan -
Get the staff back flipping burgers, and the deer out of the can."


[This message has been edited by Jimbabwe (edited November 09, 2001).]

Message from Larry Smith

MacDonalds gives you value. Nothing here is dear.
But that was only true till yesterday, I fear.
In an El Dorado washroom, where the taps run hot and gold,
we found a deer cadaver, less than one day old.

It wasn’t caught on videocam; they only watch the money -
in case our well-trained workers stoop to something funny.
No, someone sneaked this big buck behind our very backs
while we were fully focused on making your Big Macs.

As owner of this franchise, I must make a decision
to deal with this affront that's caused dead-deer derision.
Please note that from today a special item’s on:
Big Mac with fries and coke - with beef or venison.

“How much?” I hear your hollers. One buck. Sorry. Five dollars.

Porridgeface



[This message has been edited by Porridgeface (edited November 10, 2001).]

Chris, NYCTom, Jimbabwe and P-face -- just have to say how much I enjoyed all four of these witty and most amusing ditties. I tip my hat at such clever versifying "to spec." Thanks!

Thank you very much for my part of the compliment, Susan -- and let me add my own congratulations to NYCTom, Jimbabwe and Porridgeface.

I couldn't resist having a crack at the other story too. I didn't mean to repeat the form I used in the other one, but I couldn't seem to help it (I just reread The Hunting of the Snark).

No Death is Ever in Vain

You inspired us, O Deer, when your corpse was found here
(Though you never ate burger or fry)
With a brilliant new notion in fast-food promotion:
“Visit McDonald’s and die!”




[This message has been edited by ChrisW (edited November 11, 2001).]

Hooray for the funexcises - this one got me writing for the first time in weeks!

________________________________________


Sincerest je suis desolées
can't compensate for jambes casées
when undisposed-of doggy dump
meets chic yet spindly Blahnik pump.

Where once les motocrottes cleared up
the doings of your errant pup,
you'll have to keep des mouchoirs in
your Prada sac from hereonin.

Hélas! it will be up to vous
to clean la rue of canine poo.
I reckon les Parisiens
might choose instead to ditch leurs chiens.

[This message has been edited by Clive (edited November 17, 2001).]

I think it's "leurS chiens" you want,
But hey, merci! Tres amusant!

Thank you, Susan - duly noted and revised but hey! I'm on some sort of a roll here! I hope I'm allowed to post this one as well, without infringing any rules: -

______________________________

To the tune of...well, I'm sure you can guess

D'oh - a deer, a long-dead deer!
Hey, somebody fetch a broom.
Gee - whoever put it here?
Are the cams on in this room?
No - they watch the employees
Bah! We'll never ever know.
We can stick it in deep freeze
And then serve it up to go-o-o-o!