Death Swan
Death Swan
It’s true when I died I became a swan and now have a nest on every pond, and when the hunters come for me I do not flee, have no concern their too-loud guns will send me flying from my mate. They have a task and well-laid plans but forget that when death comes for me I will be me again. |
I really like this one, John. I do think the wording of the final stanza could be revised, could be made more smooth, maybe using some punctuation in place of the word that in the second line. Maybe something like this . . .
They have a task and well-laid plans. They forget that when death comes for me, I'm soon me again. I still don't like the meter of the last line, but every time I change it, I come up with three rather two beats. Arg. Nemo |
Hi John,
Overall, I like the poem. I agree with Nemo about the meter in the last line. Getting that right is crucial, because there is a two-count metrical structure throughout the poem that tends to be a bit wobbly. Ending on a tight line would right the rest. I also labor through this "sentence", but I may be distracted by policing the meter ~,:^) and when the hunters come for me I do not flee, have no concern their too-loud guns will send me flying from my mate. Rick |
I agree with Rick and Nemo. The last line should end the poem with a slam, if not a flourish, and I find I'm soon me again metrically confusing. The I'm and the soon slosh into one another. I'd prefer I'll be me again, or - breaking the meter, but - hey - it's the last line, I'll soon be me again.
|
I had forgotten this one after it slipped so far down with no comments. I have another I was going to post and ran into these comments.
As regards the meter I've been focusing only on accentual meter. I don't worry about syllables and feet. I try for a consistent number of beats and realize my ear is wobbly. Interestingly, I had to go to speech path as a kid and find it more of a challenge. Not an excuse, but I wonder if it's connected. Feel free to point out where I've failed. I agree about the ending. I'll change it now and ponder the suggestions. Thanks |
I like this poem. It is a third (or so) cousin to the Irish King Lir myth.
I am not sure the future tense is needed at all, so perhaps their too-loud guns send me flying from my mate. They have a task and well-laid plans do not know when death comes for me I'm me again. |
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:53 AM. |
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.