The Oldie: British Food
 

No winners or placemen - or perhaps even entries - for this competition about disappointed reviewers, though the winner does come from Canterbury. Mary Hodges? Do I know a Mary Hodges?

Competition Number 124

The EU has just given Protected Designation of Origin classification to rhubarb grown in the Yorkshire Triangle between Leeds, Bradford and Wakefield. Plese write a song celebrating this rhubarb or some other British regional speciality. Maximum 16 lines. Entries to Competition no 124 by email to comps@theoldie.co.uk by 7th May

I KNOW there are Scotch expats among you furriners, so remember it says British. Songs about haggis and finnan haddie and Arbrotah smokes are all in order. You could even write one about Welsh lava bread which is made - and you are not going to believe this - out of seaweed. And then there's a Welsh Rabbit. I like a Welsh rabbit.

Crikey, the Yorkshire Triangle - many a good man (and woman) has disappeared into that without trace.

.............................

How do I recruit her, Marion?

Here's an entry, though, since it's drink, not food, I suspect it is disqualified. Never mind. I'll try something else.

British Food

You think a Haggis makes a Scot
The man he is, but no, it’s not.
You think those pails of salty porridge
Give him all his useful knowledge?
The things he does, the stuff he knows,
You think it’s down to Athol Brose?
No, no, my Southern friend – his true
Ambrosia is Iron Brew.

Yes! Iron Brew. The fizzy stuff.
A Scot can never get enough.
He slurps it down at such a rate
He has to buy it by the crate.
It makes him belch. It makes him fart.
It gives the chap his valiant heart.
There’s nothing that he will not do
To get a shot of Iron Brew.

Yes I heard of a liquid lunch. In my days s one od the world's workers I quite often... But here is a genuine dinner.

British Food

Frenchmen go to the dogs thinking horses and frogs
Are the food you should put in your belly,
And the hordes of Italians, as potent as stallions,
Eat pizza and tagliatelle.
Though a burger and relish may taste pretty hellish,
Americans think it the thing.
But an Englishman’s soul craves a Toad-in-the-Hole
As a dish that is fit for a King.

You’ll be bigger and fatter on sausage and batter.
The world will admire how you’ve grown.
You’ll be hearty and hale and you’ll soon turn the scale
At the best part of twenty-four stone.
No, you’ll leave not a crumb for it’s made by your mum
And there’s nothing as good in the shops.
No, you can’t get enough of this wonderful stuff
For a Toad-in-the-Hole is the tops

Toad-in-a-hole! What the hell?! So I go straight to Uncle Google. (Extra points for recognizing the allusion)

Toad-in-a-hole
Yum! Sounds like the ultimate comfort food.

I guess the closest American equivalent would be
Pigs in Blankets.

or

corndogs: To die for! Literally and figuratively. Bring on the dancing cholesterol!

Yeah. Also known as Piggy-in-the-blanket and Sausage Toad.

It's the Brit version of Beef Wellington. Or is Beef Wellington the Brit version of Beef Wellington? Urrrrggggh.

Sam - please elucidate "Urrrrggggh" - are you salivating or vomiting?
Either is legitimate. T.i.t.H. can be utterly delicious so long as the batter is airy and crisp and the bangers are of superior quality. Alas, many folk use a sad pancake as an apologetic blanket to conceal gobbets of pre-chewed rusk stuffed into the fingers of a rubber glove. To which prospect does your "Urrrrggggh" apply? Be honest, now...

I want, for reasons of euphony, to change 'Frenchmen' to 'Frenchies'. I ask Spherians whether this term would be racist. This is a serious question. If anyone can think of a substitute word I would be grateful for your input.