Speccie: Grimm Revision
 

A far as body parts are concerned our only winner was the trusty Bill Greenwell who wrote on elbows, dammit. Dammit because that was MY subject. If I'd known Bill would be trampling there I'd have written about toenails or something. The new competition is here. My mind is a blank but I am sure Spherians will
think of things.

No. 2663: Grimm revision
You are invited to submit a politically correct version of a well-known fairy tale (150 words maximum). Entries should be submitted, by email where possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 1 September.

CaucasianLocks entered the kitchen.

"This porridge is thermally gifted!"
"This porridge is thermally challenged!"
"This porridge is average!"

She thought about her options in gastronomy. Being a female trencherperson, she sampled each bowl and concluded they were all suitable.

She entered the living room.

"This chair is ergonomically endowed!"
"This chair is ergonomically bereft!"
"This chair is average!"

Perusing her options in furniture, she sat in each chair and concluded each would eventually find the right fundament to support, although, if she absolutely had to pick the “best one” she would possibly maybe choose the latter option. Not that she liked to pick favorites.

As she entered the bedroom, she noticed three ethically ambiguous grizzly bears.

“Pardon my intrusion!” cried CaucasianLocks.

“You could have been allergic to that porridge!” said Papa Bear, whose maternal instincts were equal to Mama Bear’s. “Let’s take this opportunity to learn about each other’s culture.”

That's so much better than anything |I had on my mind. Way to go, Orwn. Don't forget to enter it. I simply do not believe there wil be five better efforts.

OK, so Orwn gets the fiver, but there's still room lower down on the page. My first attempt (though an edited draft appears a bit down the page):

JACK AND THE BEANSTALK

Jack was being raised by a single mother who was perfectly capable of providing him with an upbringing equal to or better than that of a child raised by two parents, but they lived in poverty because of gender discrimination.

One day she sent Jack to sell their grass-fed cow. To his mother’s delight, Jack accepted organic beans in payment. He planted the beans with a bit of compost, and they shot skyward. Removing his shoes to avoid damaging a living creature, he climbed to the top and discovered a kingdom ruled by a tyrannical giant.

Jack used diplomatic persuasion to convince the giant to abdicate in favor of democracy. The grateful populace offered Jack the Golden Goose, but Jack refused.

When Jack returned home, he and his mother never went hungry or lacked for fibre again thanks to the endless supply of nutritious beans now growing in their backyard.

I think I have problems with the word 'tyrannical', Roger. Are you sure you have fully participated in the plight of persons of above-average-stature in our heightist society?

Misguided?

How about "a giant with anger management issues"?

Thanks, George. That's good. I'm at 150 words exactly, but I think I can make it fit.

I still say that the word 'giant' is judgmental. What about 'a largeperson with anger-management issues'.

Bigperson?

multidimensionally challenged individual?