Speccie: New Leaf
 

Chris O'Carroll, Bazza and George Simmers all on top form. Marion Shore and Bob Schechter just miss out. What will they, and the rest of us also-rans, make of this one? Watch for the early closing date.

No. 2678: NEW LEAF
You are invited to provide the New Year’s resolutions of well-known fictional villains (please specify). Please email entries (150 words max.) to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 8 December.
NB The early closing date is because of New Year printing deadlines.

Gollum, I mean Smeagol, admitsss that Smeagol iss powerlesss over wicked, sly addiction . . . yesss, that Smeagol, I mean Gollum’s life has become unmanageable . . . . Gollum believesss that a . . . a . . . a . . . power greater than ourselves can restore us to ssssanity. Gollum has made a decision to turn hisss life over to Master, as he understands him . . . We have made a fearlesss and sssearching inventory and we still can’t find the ring, precious, yess, precious, and we wants it, we needsss it. Gollum will make a lissst of all the nasssty, tricksy people who harmsss and hurts usss, and we will make direct amends on themssss, oh, yes, my precious, direct amendssssss, on all the evil ones, starting with Masster and Smeagol . . .

Frank

Satan's New Year's Resolutions

• send child-support payment to Rosemary
  
• quit smoking (and bursting into flame)
  
• eat less food cake
  
• find new and creative ways to torment Job
  
• work on perfecting my cackle
  
• install energy efficient furnaces for the Simoniacs in Circle VIII
  
• provide more excrement for Circle III
  
• find more 'me' time

Heehee. These are both great!

On this day, 1st January, c. 1200 Anno Domini, I Claudius, King of Denmark hereby resolve to:

1. Dispatch meddlesome nephew (note to self: find smarter minions than R&G)
2. Bring in exorcist to clear castle of ghosts
3. Replace old gasbag Polonius
4. Tell cook to stop serving rancid funeral meats
5. Settle up with Fortinbras.
6. Confess more frequently (you never know)

Desdemona

My Dearest Cassio - I blush to profane the spotless pages of this letter with details of our base, foul, and lecherous misdeeds - the memory of which, even now, causeth my hand to tremble so that my script resembleth not mine own – nevertheless, do I now resolve, never again to make with you the beast with two backs – or the end-table with four legs – or even the radiant lotus blossom with one thingie and a whatsis. Until, say, next Wednesday, at 2pm, behind the rectory? Unless the vigilant Iago should again thwart our plans - curse his damned loyalty! Alack, I hear the Moor – I shall hide this missive in Othello’s sock drawer, where he shan’t think to look for it betimes, for there is much I would confess and resolve with you, and you alone, sweet Cassio!

Yrs in lewdest wantonness, XXXOX :)
Desdemona

1. Get flea collars for flying monkeys
2. Get waterproof clothing
3. Make soldiers stop wailing that monotonous drone
4. Spend less time in front of crystal ball
5. Learn to sky write
6. Get Dorothy
7. And her little dog too

Voldemort...

1. To finally get some botox.
2. To accept the invite from strictly come dancing.
3. To cut my nails once a week.
4. To listen to what Gok said.
5. Be nicer.
6. Learn to play golf.
7. To phone my mother more than I do.
8. To really just get on and write that novel.
9. wear more hats.
10. Kill Harry Potter.

Dave,

Brilliant.

Can you just tidy it up a bit, though? 'invite' (verb) instead of 'invitation' (noun) is a bugbear of mine; Strictly Come Dancing with capitals and in italics; start no.9 with a capital W. 'botox' might need a capital B as well but I'm not certain (is it a brand name?). Do 5,9 and 10 need to start with 'To', like the rest?

Just nit-picking, but it's well worth setting it out right on the page IMO.

Death

Be not proud.
Buy a new canary.
Stop boring people quite so much.
Take a holiday.
Stop picking up American spinsters.
Play less chess – learn Halo.
Update ensemble (note to self: Snuggly?)
Ditch the scythe for a garden ride-on tractor.
Wear more pastels.
Institute upgraded Business Class.
Change publicists.
Always be selling.