Eratosphere - Sonnet #9

Eratosphere (https://www.ablemuse.com/erato/index.php)

- The Distinguished Guest (https://www.ablemuse.com/erato/forumdisplay.php?f=31)

- - Sonnet #9 (https://www.ablemuse.com/erato/showthread.php?t=13936)

Bird’s Eye View

As if I work for him—how could he know
the weight of all my cares?—a robin hops
towards me from the border; then he stops
to watch me push my mower to and fro.
He looks for worms along the fresh-cut line,
while I seek inspiration for a gem
to stun my critics—how I’ll dazzle them!
The bird has his agenda; I have mine.

My chore complete, I settle down to wring
some moral from our interaction. Now
a sharp deflating insight has unfurled
its wings. (I had been contemplating how
absurd it was for such a little thing
to think himself the centre of the world.)

Comment by Mr. Gwynn:

A good, solid Italian variant with a clear-cut volta. My only real quibble with the diction is with “unfurled,” which I associate more with something rolled (like a flag) than folded (wings). But I suppose other poets have had wings unfurl (ah, “It Came upon a Midnight Clear”!). I notice that two sonnets have looked for rhymes with “world,” which is a fairly tough word to rhyme well, especially at a sonnet’s conclusion. Better here than in a couplet, though. “a gem / to stun my critics” seems a little defensive instead of just “readers,” and wouldn’t a gem perhaps “blind” rather than stun? “the weight of all my cares” sets up a slightly “heavier” preconception of the speaker’s cares than the whimsical nature of the rest of the poem can support. For no good reason, I’d probably say “the mower.” Overall, I like this for its ironic balance and sound analogy: bird is to man as man is to . . . God?

This sonnet needs only a hyphen in the title (it should be "bird’s-eye”) to make it just about perfect. I am not at all bothered by the idea of unfurled wings. In fact, I believe it is not an uncommon expression. As well, it fits in fine with the bird metaphor.

Were I to say more, I’d be rightly accused of making a gushing gaga critique.

This sonnet seems made in its own image. Neatly striped lawn and fresh cut edge.

Yet again, I'm pretty sure I know who wrote this. A person I'm sure I would like very much in real life.

I have to say, though, that with very litle time to go I'm still waiting for something truly edgy. This one is way inside the sonnet safety zone.

Philip

If I have a quibble with this, it would be that it is marred only by its perfection. Exemplary in its structure, not a foot or syllable out of place, enjambements falling logically: no risks. I could wish for some small variation, but I won't quibble; my favourite so far, challenged only by #10. Both are refreshing in their simplicity, clarity and hold to tradition.

My issue with this poem is that the sonnet form is probably too long for what the poem actually conveys. It does a delightful job of getting to its point (i.e.: good imagery etc.), but when the ultimate trope of this poem is, "Who am I to think I'm important", I think it can be done with a lot less chaff.

In a way, I think the poem takes itself a bit too seriously and is a bit too contrived for its own good.

I'm also not a fan of the brackets across the last three lines -- it seems very untidy and wholly unnecessary. Surely a simple colon would suffice?

There's a lot to like about this, to be sure, but something strikes me as a bit too inauthentic for me to call it a "great poem".

I like this one, a lot. I wasn't sure I would until the end, when it brought a smile to my face.

Within the sonnet safety zone? Yes. But well-done.

Simple? Maybe, in the sense that,

simplicity is the essence of good design.

My only very small nit, and it may be entirely personal is "towards" in L3. I prefer "toward". I know either use is acceptable and it may be a regional thing, but "toward" just sounds better to my ear.

I wonder too, if the parentheses are necessary.

Shaun says: I think the poem takes itself a bit too seriously and is a bit too contrived for its own good. Therein lies the irony of the poem, I think.

Tracey

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tracey Gratch (Post 194843)

Shaun says: I think the poem takes itself a bit too seriously and is a bit too contrived for its own good. Therein lies the irony of the poem, I think.

I was wondering that as well, and nearly mentioned it...but ultimately I don't buy it. It's feasible, sure, but if it's meant to be ironic, I think it misses the mark.

As was pointed out in a thread, we're not supposed to talk about the poet behind the poem. But I'm naughty. So I will anyway.
This poet writes the most gorgeous meter. It's not that noticeable in this particular poem, but certainly the meter here is excellent. Now for the poem... ouch. I have to agree with much of what Shaun said, and especially: "a bit too contrived".

There might be days when I too would feel this poem spent too much labor on its thought, but not today. For me, one of the pleasures of poetry is spending time on a thought, exploring its complexities fully, complete with interruptions and returns. So I like this one.

Shaun, Petra, you raise a valid point. But in the end, this one redeems itself, for me anyway.

Tracey