Eratosphere - Speccie Competition Modern Manners

Competition
SATURDAY, 23RD JULY 2011
Lucy Vickery presents this week's Competition

In Competition No. 2705 you were invited to submit an updated version of Betjeman’s ‘How to Get on in Society’.
Sir John’s lampooning of suburban pretenders whose attempts to transcend their class served only to root them more firmly in it was his contribution to the U/Non-U debate that raged in the 1950s, sparked by Alan Ross and fuelled by Nancy Mitford.

Their 21-century heirs and their aspirations were, on the whole, mercilessly and magnificently mocked. The winners scoop £25 each. Martin Parker bags the bonus fiver.

Top up my spray tan, Darren,
then phone up Hello! and OK
and gold-plate the taps in the toilet.
The Beckhams are coming to stay!

I’ve just origamied the Andrex.
Have I time for another tattoo
in spurious Chinese, with dragons,
or maybe a blatant FU?

I’ve had my nails covered in glitter
and my eyelids and midriff as well.
My extensions are almost the shade of my hair
which is rigid with Superdrug gel.

But it’s hard for a girl to look ‘current’
when Manolos are something she lacks
and her nipple ring’s only nine carat
and it’s hours since she last had a wax.
Martin Parker

We’re calling our next daughter Harper,
Or Tamburlaine if it’s a boy;
One really must use one’s discretion
For a plain name is certain to cloy.

This season we jet to the Maldives,
Exclusive, expensively chic;
Our first choice turned into a war zone
And we’ve already done Mozambique.

Reg is in line for promotion,
To my mind, deservedly so;
New Mercedes and index-linked pension,
After which, I presume, CEO.

Harry’s happy as Larry with Barry,
Jocasta’s an item with Fi;
While I barely condone such arrangements
They’re fashionably c’est la vie.
Mike Morrison

The Kindle was left in the rain, dear,
The Proust and Ayn Rand are no more.
The Art of Foam Cooking has gone in a flash.
We will have to use books! What a bore!

Your organic wine was delivered
By a man with a horse and a cart.
You can wear your hemp jeans and a kurta
To show who we are from the start.

I’ll serve a carpaccio of tuna.
Now where’s that Birtwistle CD?
We’ll just have it soft in the background
While serving the lobster congee.

Make sure that they see the new hybrid,
It’s parked by the solar-powered light.
I hope the wild salad plants come, dear.
I want everything to be right!
Janet Kenny

We’ve a country-style place in the country,
With an Aga! How lovely it looks!
On our shelves, tomes by Hugh Fearnley-Thingy
(Though none of us actually cooks).

These days we’re extremely green-conscious,
But of course do need transport to fetch
Biarritz from her Junior Pilates,
Which the stretch-Audi does, at a stretch.

We’re in Tuscany four weeks each summer —
We’re like natives there, not merely trippers;
As it happens, our Tuscan near-neighbours
Are friends of an ex-beau of Pippa’s.

We mention this loudly in restaurants
(In case other diners are deaf).
Next Tuesday we’ll all eat at Gordon’s,
Where we’re hoping to out-eff the chef.
George Simmers

Fetch me the Kindle, Norman,
(The wife’s in a bit of a stew!)
There’s an e-book by someone called Mitford
Which tells you what’s U and non-U.

We met Lady P. at a party,
Who really was terribly sweet.
We’re inviting her round for cuppa,
So the wife wants to send her a tweet.

Or maybe she’ll send her an email,
And it certainly isn’t too hard
To follow somebody on Facebook!
It’s simpler than leaving your card.

But there is just one problem remaining:
What’s the correct form of address
For the married third child of a viscount,
When you’re sending them an SMS?
Brian Murdoch

We shoot off to Cannes every summer,
But here we’re in Alderley Edge,
With Premiership footballer neighbours
And an apiarist doing the hedge.

He’s shaped it to look like a Rodin,
Which gives it some class, don’t you think?
There’s tapas laid out on the patio
And Bolly or Cristal to drink.

The Vettriano there’s an original.
It’s his subtle technique that grabs me —
He’s quite a sophisticate, Jack is.
Same with the Dave repartee.

The Merc with the customised number?
It makes me stand out from the pack.
I sometimes get taken for Clooney.
You fancy a few lines of gak?
Basil Ransome-Davies