(John is still in hospital) Speccie Modern maladies
 

John's on the road to recovery but I'm still holding the fort till he's back with us. Here's the new comp, another prose-oriented one, though I'm sure some great poems will emerge on the subject as well.

No. 2712: Modern maladies
Newly emergent malaises include FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) and texter’s thumb: you are invited to add your own to this ever-lengthening list. Please submit a description, including treatment options (150 words maximum). Please email entries, if possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 31 August.

Never mind.

Never mind.

Dog-hausen Syndrome, Dog-hausen Syndrome by Proxy: Canine Dog-hausen’s is caused by deliberately inculcating aggression in dogs to enhance an owner’s self-importance. Though human-caused, it’s often been misdiagnosed, most notably in the Dangerous Dogs Act 1991, which collectively consigned entire canine breeds to “the dog-haus”.

It’s unknown to what extent human DS carriers are implicated in the spread of human DSbP, which manifests itself in brief, pandemic episodes of misdirected antisocial disorder, frequently involving abuse of small-shopkeepers and innocent bystanders. Underlying causes may vary from chronic malingering and attention-seeking to acute deficiencies in systemic social support. Prognosis is complicated because those at-risk usually present related issues that may or may not be self-induced.

Among the general population, exposure to DSbP can produce symptoms ranging from excessive hand wringing to sudden outbreaks of “dog-hausening”—the wholesale and exaggerated attribution of imagined maladies to others. Most effective cures involve direct application of dog.





Frank