Speccie Competition Twelve Days
 

In Competition No. 2726 you were asked for a modern version of ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’ taking as your first line ‘On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...’ and continuing for a further twelve.
Perhaps inevitably there was a fair amount of repetition in the entry: plenty of leakers leaking, hacks a-hacking, lawyers laughing and ‘Five Olympic rings’. Still, you were on good form. Here are extracts from three submissions that only just missed out on a place in the winning line-up. ‘Five wiccan charms;/ Four Hamentaschen/ Three Buddhist texts/ Two Tarot packs/ And a card wishing “Happy winterval” ’ (Dominica Roberts); ‘Five MEPs,/ Four dodgy stats,/ Three fat cats,/ Two technocrats,/ And a cartload of subsidised Brie’ (John Whitworth); ‘Nine stirring stanzas,/ Eight oxymorons,/ Seven lively limericks,/ Six double dactyls...’ (Mae Scanlan). The winners get £25 each. Basil Ransome-Davies wins the festive fiver.
Thank you to those who sent seasonal good wishes and to all competitors for a seemingly inexhaustible stream of knockout wit and gobsmacking skill. Merry Christmas!

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Twelve Paxos smirking
Eleven Murrays choking
Ten Hoffs imploding
Nine Brucies kneeling
Eight Wogans twinkling
Seven Beckhams bending
Six Clarksons sneering
Five Russell Brands
Four Stephen Frys
Three Jack Dees
Two Susan Boyles
And a 42” plasma tv
Basil Ransome-Davies

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Twelve tabloids hacking,
Eleven bankers stealing,
Ten drillers fracking,
Nine economies reeling,
Eight wars beginning,
Seven MPs sinning,
Six press aides spinning
Five kinds of wrong,
Four corporate liars,
Three anxious buyers,
Two occupiers,
And Simon Cowell trashing this song.
Chris O’Carroll

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
Twelve bankers bingeing
Eleven lawyers laughing
Ten tented protests
Nine statesmen sighing
Eight eviction orders
Seven papers prying
Six leaders leaving
Five Arab Springs,
Four budget cuts
Three lost years
Two eurozones
And an IOU for next year’s tree.
Tim Raikes

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Twelve twerpish twitters,
Eleven Xmas e-cards,
Ten texted titbits,
Nine needless nudges,
Eight aimless emails,
Seven raucous ringtones,
Six garbled greetings,
Five avatars;
Four emoticons,
Three websites,
Two facebook friends
And an app that cost 99p.
Frank Upton

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Twelve Dalai Lamas
Eleven Simon Schamas
Ten cocky cockneys
Nine knock-off Hockneys
Eight prima donnas
Seven Des O’Connors
Six New Year Honours
Five Cliff CDs
Four prosthetic arms
Three wind farms
Two unlucky charms
And a Speccie subscription — free.
Mike Morrison

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me:
Eleven(?) clip-on earrings,
Ten awful jigsaws,
Nine New Look vouchers,
Eight Clacton tea towels,
Seven smiley key-rings,
Six bras (the wrong size),
Five skimpy thongs,
Four scent-free soaps,
(Two of which I’ve got) —
and I’m busy recycling the lot!
Jayne Osborn

Congratulations to Basil, Jayne, Chris and John...what a showing of Christmas 'sphere! Four Spherians sphering...(gotta elide that "i").

Thank you, Soosan. (See, I warned you I'd write your name like that next time you misspelled mine :p)

Aaargh! shoot! Here's my penance again:

Quite right to complain
that I called you "Jane,"
for "Y" would one fain
to be a Plain Jane
when it's right as rain,
that glamour of "Jayne"?
I will refrain,
Jayne, Jayne, Jayne, Jayne.
Ok, now it's plain-
ly engraved in my brain.
Sorry (also for that enjambment) Jayne.

You're forgiven, Susan ;) (I like the poem, especially the use of 'fain', which isn't employed nearly enough in our rich language, IMO.)

Have to say that I'd been pinning my hopes on my other entry, about builders, which John particularly liked, but a win is a win, and I'm grateful; who am I to question the choice? :)