Eratosphere - New Statesman -- difficult people winners

No 4216

Set by Leonora Casement
Having seen the advertisement for the Dealing with Difficult People course (cost £99 per person) – which included “successfully handling sarcastic intimidatory comments and people who shout”, and involved “practical and interactive activities, realistic drama and role-play” – we asked you to send in a detailed look at items in the prospectus.

This week’s winners
Well done. We were especially sad to lose Adrian Fry (“. . . twenty euphemisms for ‘Bugger off!’”), Sid Field, on difficult people in the office (“Each morning shouldbegin with a black-belt judo trainer throwing and hurling the office staff on to the carpet”) and Mike Berry (“Regard them closely . . . and take no chances. Deck the buggers”). As you will notice, there is a theme emerging here among some of the entrants of physical violence as a possible method of dealing with those persons who may annoy. Hmm. Hon menshes go to you both. The four winners get £25 apiece, with the Tesco vouchers going, in addition, to Chris O’Carroll.

What your tutors provide
Our tutors include public-school headmasters, army special forces sergeants, tabloid editors, even mothers-in-law – all well-versed in the theory and practice of cruel sarcasm, shouted invective and other time-honoured bullying tactics. Their proven training methods will equip you with all the techniques you need to ward off the worst varieties of menacing body language, intemperate verbal assaults and all-round bad attitudes. Every participant will have the opportunity to role-play both sides of unpleasant personal interactions. Strategic exercises will teach you when to deflect bad behaviour and when to respond with assertive confrontation. Comments from previous participants: “By the end of the one-day session,” said one successful client, “I had gained so much confidence that I was telling the instructor to shut it.”
Chris O’Carroll

Problems in the ranks
Problems at your company with malcontents, moaners, groaners, grouches, grousers, stirrers, barrack-room lawyers, reds under the bed, not-on-message types, awkward squad, loose cannons, whistleblowers? DDP training includes: Case studies: the Prescott approach, guaranteed to make potential egg-throwers think twice; New Labour’s response to the lone protester upsetting conference stage-management; Celebrity tutors : Frank Skinner on one-liners to silence hecklers; Dennis Skinner on parliamentary put-downs; Role-plays: outlining the disciplinary procedure (participants swap roles and liberate their own inner curmudgeon); The Met Solution: practical advice on kettling. Note: if not fully satisfied, you may complain, on payment of an extra fee for our facilitating your added insight into DP mindset.
Derek Morgan

Back to basics
The old routines still work, which our various role-playing techniques show to advantage: Get your retaliation in first. Imagine your opponents are naked. A well-timed fart can work wonders. Set your ringtone to a triumphalist blare. Dress like Evelyn Waugh, in loud tweeds and with an ear trumpet. Check your conspicuously displayed Rolex every few seconds. If your opponent quotes any political leader, toss out a Latin quotation – the ones about Greeks Bearing Gifts or Who Will Guard the Guardians work the best. If somebody mentions the Daily Mail, say you gave up comics as a boy. If all else fails, throw a wobbly of your own or fake a heart attack, thus forcing your opponent to give you the kiss of life –which, happily, they will hate more than you will.
Barry Baldwin

Breaking down the modules
Module One. “Issue-Driven” Interpersonal Outcomes. 1) Body Language Checklist: How red are the eyes? Is there a twitch? Does the respondent claim to hear voices? Is there a tendency to head-bang? 2) Evasion Models: How to duck safely without banging your own head and giving offence. Module Two. Non-confrontational Goal-Orientation in Paroxysm Situations, The Phatic Mollifier: a) Hello (Not: Hiya); b) How are you? (Not: How are we feeling today?); c) Goodbye (Not: Catch you later); d) How do you like that? (Not: How did that make you feel?). And other transformative verbalisations. Module Three. The Tumultuous Interaction. Calmative Devices for the Future: e-encounters – i) “just press delete”; ii) “cut and bin”. Module Four. Musical Therapies: Ravel’s Bolero in waiting rooms.
Josh Ekroy