The Oldie Comp no 148: 'The Last Days of Jesus' results
 

No Spherians in the line-up. Perhaps none of us entered; I didn’t.
This Comp wasn’t any fun, neither was having to type out these quite depressing accounts (especially during Easter week). Let's hope for a return of the lighter stuff in future.

Jayne

The Oldie Competition by Tessa Castro

In Competition no 148 you were invited to provide an extract from a book commissioned by Pontius Pilate to prove that Jesus was dead, in much the same way as Hugh Trevor-Roper’s The Last Days of Hitler was intended to dispel rumours that Hitler was still alive. Adrian Fry presented the evidence of the convenor of the Judean Union of Crucifixion Workers: ‘My lads’ 100 per cent fatality record stands unbesmirched.’ ‘One thing is certain,’ G M Davis’s historian began his conclusion, ‘Once hectic rumour and propaganda have been put to rest by an accumulation of first-hand evidence which establishes the fact of his mortality beyond refutation, the cult that people are calling “Christianity” will also die.’ Commiserations to them and congratulations to those printed below, each of whom wins £25, with the paschal bonus prize of a Chamber’s Biographical Dictionary going to Pam Weale.

I drew the short straw. My soldiers won the prisoner’s clothes. I got the last Crucifixion before Easter. Prisoner King of the Jews had leaves on his head as ID. His family weren’t educated, so didn’t speak Latin. I found a translator. Hecklers urged him to jump down from the cross. He was nailed so tight, he couldn’t even fall off. After three hours, about midday, dark clouds obscured visibility. The prisoner made a superhuman effort to remain in control. He was convinced this was what his Dad wanted. His Mum wasn’t surprised. About 3pm, there was the typical Bank Holiday thunderclap. The prisoner shouted for his Dad. The crowd went ballistic. I offered wine on a stick, but he’d gone. The crowd wouldn’t stop jeering. I had to shove my spear under the prisoner’s ribs. He’d gone, I swear. There was no doubt in my mind. He’d gone.
Pam Weale

Pilate to Nicodemus: Thou Pharisee, teacher of Israel, Sanhedrin official –
That force so opposed to the King of the Jews;
Thou, who secretly met Him at dead of night alone,
The first to receive instruction on the need to be born again
And God so loving the world He gave His only begotten Son
That whosoever believed on Him should receive eternal life;
Thou, who remonstrated with your own number reminding them
Your laws did not condemn before a man was heard;
And who at the last joined Arimathean Joseph with my permission
To take down the King’s remains
And brought much myrrh and aloes for enwrapping His corpse
In accordance with your burial customs;
When you and Joseph laid the body in the garden tomb,
Tell me Pharisee, was the King really dead when you placed Him there?
You Nicodemus, Jewish leader, attest His life had seen its last!
John Desborough

Few of the followers of this deluded Messiah stayed with him as the final acts of the drama were played out at Calvary. Notably absent from the sad and sordid scene was the uneducated one-time fisherman Simon Peter who had long entertained delusions of being Jesus’s appointed successor, telling anyone who would listen that he had dubbed him ‘my rock’. He was certainly in Jerusalem following the arrest and several witnesses claim to have seen him hanging around the high priest’s house on the eve of the trial posing as a mere onlooker. Challenged about his identity, he angrily denied any connection with his former leader. One witness I spoke to described his condition as close to breakdown. ‘He was so nervy that when startled by a cockcrow in the early hours, he burst into tears.’ Reliable evidence suggests that Peter has now prudently returned under an assumed name to his fishing boats in Galilee, there to muse sadly over what might have been.
Tim Peters

Pilate questioned the spy sent to check the burial as Herod’s watchmen were not to be trusted. ‘Is the Galilean dead?’ he enquired impatiently, still unsure even after the crucifixion reports had confirmed this. He didn’t want to give the Jews any hope. ‘The tomb is undisturbed, sir,’ reported the spy. ‘The body was placed in an unused sepulcher and a large stone was rolled over the opening.’ ‘Are you sure it was his body?’ continued Pilate. ‘Undoubtedly, sir,’ confirmed the spy. ‘I saw it wrapped in a shroud. Then I stayed after the funeral to see if anyone came to remove the corpse. It was the Sabbath yesterday so I didn’t see a soul… and at dawn this morning, as I left, I saw only Herod’s sleeping guards and two women who passed me…’ ‘How long did you stay?’ interrupted Pilate. ‘Two days and nights, sir – just to make sure.’
David Baldwin