Speccie Beatlemania 25th April
 

I have to admit the splendid winners here put my own offering to shame. Bazza and Chris were there doing their bit, doing their bits.

Could this one be a poem? Could Party Leaders speak in verse. Boris or Obama might.


No. 2745: Beatlemania
You are invited to submit an extract (of up to 150 words) from a leader’s speech to a party conference, incorporating the titles of as many Beatles songs as possible. Please email entries, wherever possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 25 April.

Good morning, good morning. Revolution? We can work it out with a little help from my friends in high places. I'm so tired of the piggies in Parliament, the blackbirds in the Bastille! I am the walrus of the White House. "Baby, you're a rich man" is what no one says to me. Tell me why you never give me your money. Is it because, back in the U.S.S.R., happiness is a warm gun? Let us come together to get back the penny lanes from mean Mr. Mustard and his glock-toting minions. All we need is love, a savoy truffle, and a glass onion. But not too much love. You won't see me hobnobbing with sexy Sadies, lovely Ritas, and long tall Sallys. Run for your life to the ballot box. You know my name (look up the number), she knows, your mother should know. I am what's best here, there and everywhere across the universe. Hello. Goodbye. Good night. The end.

My fellow Umbilicans, the yellow submarine lined with Norwegian wood to add stealth capability gives Urania a ticket to ride to hemispherical domination, no carnival of light. Yesterday, we let it be but do you want to know a secret? We shall work it out ourselves, by fixing a hole in our intelligence network and then things will start getting better, here, there, and everywhere, for everyone from plain Eleanor Rigby in the back office to dear Prudence and Michelle here with me on the platform. Personally, this being for the benefit of Mr Kite and his misguided followers, I'll follow The Sun, in calling for no reply to the feelers put out by that nowhere man, that failed former paperback writer currently heading the so-called Uranian peace initiative committee. Trust me, and I shall lead you into the sunny strawberry fields forever, provided I achieve re-election when I'm sixty-four.

I didn't think of 'follow The Sun', but I did think of 'We need a wall against communism. I am the wall. Russia....' Shame about the spelling.

Orwn and Jerome,

Those both make me feel like giving up before I've even started, but I'll have a go.

(J - you're missing an 'i' in 'intelligence', which has a degree of i-rony ;))

Jayne

I’m so tired of what goes on eight days a week for our 11.5 million pensioners. Money, that’s what I want for them. A day in the life of an OAP is just the long and winding road to misery. All I’ve got to do is get back to fixing a hole in our economy. Don’t let me down; I need you all together now. We can work it out! If I needed someone any time at all, it’s now.

Think for yourself about the things we said today, at this conference – every little thing. I will make a difference, with your help. I’ve got a feeling that it won’t be long before we’ll bring about a revolution for our ageing population, whilst keeping the taxman happy.
You won’t see me tolerating the continuing story of Bungalow Bill, poor devil, who said, “I feel fine”, then almost died of starvation.

Bravo Jayne - you'd get my vote, though your overall effect was not so much Beatles as Boomtown - give uz yer feckin' MONEY!!!!

Nice one!

Thanks, Jayne. I'm not sure what counts as a Beatles song for Lucy. Written by them or sung by them and written by others? I tried to keep mine to those written by them.

Thanks for the vote, Ann. It was a fun one to do; I wasted an entire evening on it :)

When it comes to Beatles songs, Jerome, 'written by them' and 'sung by them' means pretty damn near the same thing! But I checked to make sure that all the ones I used did fit both categories. There were some titles I hadn't known; I was more of a singles than an album buyer. When the Fab Four went all magical, mysterious and mystical I stopped buying their records altogether.

Jayne

More than ever, we need to represent our constituents – the average Joes, who, after a hard day's night, don't need the taxman fleecing them to help the special interests crying "give me money (that's what I want)!"

We need to highlight my opponent's inexperience. How can he, a virtual little child in the political arena, match my understanding of the elderly, when I'm sixty-four?

Regarding rumors linking me to a certain public employee the press calls "lovely Rita, meter maid” -- I assure you I never had sex with that woman– as testified to by my wife, who stands beside me now--for which, dear Prudence, I say "thank you girl!”

And to my supporters who’ve accompanied me on the long and winding road to victory--we must come together to defeat the liberals fomenting revolution, and get back to the values and beliefs of yesterday.