Specie Olympian Results
 

LUCY VICKERY
SATURDAY, 28TH APRIL 2012

In Competition No. 2744 you were invited to provide a poetic preview of the Olympic Games. The impending onslaught was viewed with a mix of dread and indifference. When pessimism and cynicism descend on the entry there are always a smattering of Pollyannas but on this occasion they were fewer than usual. Alan Millard’s evocation of wall-to-wall British triumph under cloudless skies was nicely punctured in his closing couplet: ‘A small print warning: Previews may at times prove inexact./ What’s here is pure conjecture and should not be seen as fact.’ Others who narrowly missed out on a place on the podium were Frank Osen, Adrian Fry and D.A. Prince.
The winners are rewarded with £25 each. Basil Ransome-Davies takes £30.

The thrills! The spills! A nation finds
A salutary tonic
To lift its weary hearts and minds
From Dow and Panasonic.
And end to mooting pros and cons.
Time’s up for mere debaters.
Let Britain for each prideful bronze
Hail EDF and Atos.
Olympic medals far outrank
The laurels of a Caesar,
A boon for which we humbly thank
Deloitte, GE and Visa.
An end, I say, to shame and blame,
An end to grief and dolour.
Let’s raise to the Olympic flame
A glass of Coca-Cola.
Basil Ransome-Davies

Diving, kicking, hitting, shooting,
Running, scoring, bouncing, flooring,
Riding, cycling, sprinting, booting,
Does this sound a little boring?

Punching, leaping, hurling, lifting,
Jumping, fencing, sculling, paddling,
Walking, trotting, hurling, shifting,
I am thinking of skedaddling.

Wheeling, aiming, netting, chucking,
Stroking, swimming, thrusting, riding,
Tacking, acing, rowing, pucking,
All will drive me into hiding.

Anthems, garlands? I’ve an errand.
Well done, winner, hard luck, loser.
Won a medal for your gerund?
I’m off to the local boozer.
Bill Greenwell

This one-off junket costs eleven billion,
Four times the starting budget, but who’s counting?
We’ll love the show that Danny Boyle is mounting—
George Osborne’s face, though, may go deep vermilion.

It won’t be what the old Greeks had in mind:
Beach volleyball was absent from Olympia;
Mind you, men’s dress back then was even skimpier,
Their races out of bounds to womankind.

In London traffic gridlock is assured,
Which won’t reflect too well on mayor Boris,
Who’ll try to change the subject, quoting Horace
(Assuming he beats Ken — well, both are flawed.)

With ticket costs outrageous, who will pay
To watch our nation’s swimmers synchronise?
Admission’s free for yachting, if you’re wise,
Sat on the Dorset cliffs near Weymouth Bay.
Roger Theobald

The nations look to London town
And count their medals, one by one,
Before the Games have yet begun.
Anticipating fame is fun,
So that is something always done.
But, should one’s hopes fail one by one —
Those heroes one depended on —
And gold successes come to none,
Remember, when all’s said and done,
What matters is the mettle shone,
Not mere gilt metal to be won.
Barbara Smoker

Transport for London is pleased to inform you
We’re here to ensure the event of your life;
You’ll travel in style to the London Olympics —
The cost? Well, you may have to mortgage your wife.

Transport for London regrets to inform you
Your journey will take rather longer, we fear;
The lines that we’d planned to enhance and refurbish
Will not be completed till sometime next year.

Transport for London regrets to inform you
That most of our stations are closed for repair,
But special emergency buses are running —
With five or six changes, you’ll almost be there.

Transport for London regrets to inform you
The whole of our network is dead as a nail;
All routes to the Games are completely unuseable
Due to unseasonal torrents of hail.
Brian Allgar

Across the land Olympic sites are made
To host a global contest — war in peace.
Wembley, Old Trafford, Lord’s, Horse Guards Parade
Will vie with feats first seen in ancient Greece.
Equestrians will meet in Greenwich Park,
And cyclists show their skills at Hampton Court,
The Mall itself the marathon will mark,
Aquatics Centre welcome water sport.
The planet’s best will soon display their might
In thirty venues breathing British air.
Were Wordsworth here, he’d say in his delight,
‘Earth has not anything to show more fair.’
The moving finger wrote; the page is written.
Tomorrow’s watching world will laud Great Britain.
Max Ross