Sonnet # 5 - vampire
 

VAMPIRE AT THE RITZ-CARLTON

Desires that consumed you as you drank
increased the void inside to suit your taste.
Now the mirror cannot see your face;
you've worn it smooth, and so have made it blank.

The dead are not invisible, but blind
and leeched away till beauty turns to style,
to spellbind with the rictus of a smile --
a puppet pulling strings within its mind,

a corporate perfection in a shell.
Emptiness designed to fit a mold,
your grip is so much stronger, being cold:
if I'm compelled to say you're looking well,

you're compelled to act as if alive
and spread your death to others to survive.

I love this vampire. I think he's a lobbyist, maybe an actor or some other self-absorbed celebrity. Possibly I've met him.

Only nits--I think it would be better without "Vampire"
in the title--the image is clear enough, but I prefer not
to be told in advance. Also, I wish that in S1, the b-rhyme could
be fixed, but I assume the poet struggled with that and couldn't
make it work.

The way every line is end-stopped is a bit jarring; I haven't
decided if that is a defect or a deliberate way of enhancing
the coldness of the piece.

Over all, a powerful sonnet.

Martin

p.s Gail, I saw an investment banker.

I think it's awfully good, my only reservation being that acephalic line 13 flirts with being a tetrameter. That would be easier to deal with if it weren't coming in the final couplet.

I love the title, mainly because I once stayed at the Ritz Carlton in Laguna Niguel, overlooking the Pacific. It's by far the poshest hotel I've ever spent a night in - but there wasn't a vampire in sight, I'm glad to say!

If it was my poem, and because of the repetition, I'd be inclined to make the small change from 'you're' to 'you are':

if I'm compelled to say you're looking well,

you are compelled to act as if alive
and spread your death to others to survive.

Enjoyed it, though, for its originality.

Jayne

It might just be unimaginative me, but alive/survive doesn't feel like a good rhyme with which to conclude. I would abandon the oxymoron of the couplet, frankly.

Pedro.

Jayne, I've stayed at that hotel too. It cost $430,000 a room to build in the early 80s. I ordered a tiny glass of port after dinner, and it was $130. It was financed by a competitor, Prudential, who had to take it back and restructure it.

Don't Like
 

The subject is trite and it utilizes every possible cliche garnered from Anne Rice. Even if the tongue were in the cheek, this one has no bite and is tasteless.

God save us, Vernon.
I do hope there's one of yours we can slag off in such savage and uncomprehending fashion.
David

What David Anthony said.