New Statesman -- proverb winners
 

No 4231
Set by Will Bellenger
You were asked to think some pointless, although NOT meaningless, proverbs. To inspire you, we offered: “Ice cream is a dish best served cold.”

This week’s winners
An incredibly popular comp and many new entrants appeared on the scene, which is always fantastic to see. A warm welcome to you all. You were asked for up to ten entries, but only a few managed that total, or slightly under. They get £25 each. But SO many of you included at least one brilliant proverb that we have given them an hon mensh each and published them all. The Tesco vouchers go additionally to: Basil Ransome- Davies. The judges particularly liked the final entry . . .

One man’s meat is rarely enough for two.
Don’t walk if you are offered a lift.
An apple a day makes seven apples a week.
Little pitchers hold only a little water.
The pen is cheaper than the laptop.
There’s many a slip on an icy path.
If you don’t enter the competition, you can’t win.
He who laughs last probably hasn’t seen the joke.
Take care of the pennies and your pockets will grow uncomfortably heavy.
Alanna Blake

Whether life is worth living depends on the liver.
Once bitten, seek medical advice.
Whatever does not kill you lets you live.
‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all.
Eating soup with forks prolongs the meal.
Plus ça change, plus c’est différent.
In the country of the blind, there are few curtains.
In the midst of life, we are in debt.
Basil Ransome-Davies

You won’t find milk in a whisky bottle.
An ill-fitting shoe brings many a blister.
The uphill road is the tougher way.
Many books collect dust.
The rain always falls in one direction.
Every wave reaches the shore.
A square peg fits a square hole.
No wooden ball bounces high.
Small change only buys small things.
More competition entries lose than win.
D A Prince

An army marches on its feet.
Mud is thicker than water.
If a job’s worth doing, do it.
Two heads are a freak of nature.
Where there’s a will, there are often a lot of other papers.
Make hay after mowing the grass.
Charity begins when you donate things.
There’s none so blind as those that can’t see.
Barbara Burge

. . . hon menshes go to
Sheep flock together.
W J Webster
Still waters don’t move.
Alban Girral
Where there’s a will, make sureyou’re in it.
Michael Birt
Many heads need many gloves.
Keith Mason
There’s none so deaf as those who cannot hear.
Sylvia Smith
Many a true word is spoken in earnest.
C ONeill
Every Thermos flask has a silver lining.
John Bevis
Where there’s a will, there’s a lawyer.
Francis Good
Ringtones don’t select themselves.
John Griffiths-Colby
A stitch is something runners must cope with.
Derak Morgan
When the cat’s away, the litter tray is empty.
Mark Graham
Every book has a first page.
Nicholas Hodgson
Many a bad joke is spoken in jest.
Sylvia Fairley
Where there’s life, there’s phlegm.
Mary McLean
A house divided is called semi-detached.
Martin Rocek
Margarine butters no parsnips.
Peter Regan
A bird in the hand is probably quite small.
Shirley Curran
Winning a prize is its own reward.
Chris O’Carroll
Central heating is only expensive if you turn it on.
Michael Charles
Where there’s a wall, there’s not a way.
Rachel Tuxford

Woohoo! I've never entered one of these contests before and am delighted with my hon mensh. Congrats to everyone else too.

Well done Bazza, a well-deserved fiver, but the liver one has whiskers on it. One of the good things about being old is that one can recycle old jokes which are so old they come up like new. Did you hear the one about the horse playing cricket?

Well, come on, John, don't keep us in suspense. One of the good things about being old is that when people tell me old jokes, I first heard them so long ago that I've forgotten them.

Well, Brian, there was this horse playing cricket. It scored a century and then it took a couple of catches in the slips, so the captain said, 'Hey Dobbin, fancy going on at the other end. Off-breaks, maybe?' But the horse replied, 'Don't be bloody silly, skipper. Everybody knows horses can't bowl.'

Shazam!

It's the way he tells them!

Recycled indeed, John, but a good one and even better in French with its pun on foi/foie.

I suppose I brought it on myself.

Even the shortest leg will reach the ground.

These are absolutely hilarious!

Congrats to Bazza, Brian (and his sister ;)), Mary, Martin and Chris.

Jayne

Even in my resentful bitterness not to have finally gotten into the New Statesman, I salute those of you who did. Most of these, and all by Sphereians, are quite funny.

I think that the "none so blind" and "none so deaf" entries are actually the same joke (and one I've heard many times before), and there are at least three entries in which "where there's a will" hilariously ends up referring to a legal instrument.

Apart from local contributions, I liked Prince's "you won't find milk in a whiskey bottle," which actually would do for a genuine proverb worth pulling out at propitious moments. Perhaps it shouldn't have won only because it doesn't seem pointless enough, but it was too good to overlook.

Again, congrats to the winners!