New Statesman -- kidnapping story -- August 30 deadline
 

The rubric for the next comp has us all gripped, I'm sure, but I don't yet have it all grasped. Some Google research in my future to get me a bit more familiar with this story that inspired this one.

No 4241
Set by Leonora Casement
The story about Lorraine Dearing in the Daily Mail had us all gripped: “I got home from work and didn’t notice he was missing,” she said. “But then I saw this note . . . and there was a picture of Norman with a kitchen knife next to his throat. We have some really interesting [gnomes] in the garden and some are worth quite a lot of money. I don’t understand why anyone would take Norman . . . There is no way I am paying the ransom . . .” We want you to explain (in the kidnapper’s confession or, say, a psychiatric report) what could have led up to the unfortunate state of affairs.
Max 150 words by 30 August comp@newstatesman.co.uk

Any fiction will pale by comparison with the truth.

Yes, the kidnapping of garden gnomes is very serious business indeed!

This is a believe-it-or-not story. Some years ago here in Sweden there was a mass kidnapping of garden gnomes from outdoor lawns. It happened during the Christmas season. Months later, after a tip-off to the police, most of the little fellows, maybe all of them, were found in an abandoned shed and freed from captivity.

None seemed to have suffered from the long incarceration in unheated premises or the lack of food and water, though some may have been broken by the experience.

The media respected their right to privacy and didn't publish their names, but many subscribers speculated about how shattering it would be, especially for the younger ones, to have missed Christmas, the only time of the year when people really think gnomes are cute.

It must be a common crime. The neighbour of some friends in Chelmsford has about 100 gnomes in the front garden, with CCTV cameras trained on them from every angle. (Or maybe they're trying to gather evidence that the gnomes come alive at midnight and sing).

A house I bought years ago had a gnome in the front garden, which I 'inherited'. I came home from work one day to find he'd vanished, and a note demanded 500 red Smarties for his release. (Can you imagine how many packets you'd have to buy to get that many red ones?)

Needless to say, I didn't pay the ransom, and he reappeared months later, on the roof of my garden shed, wearing a stocking mask like a bank robber!

I think you're right about it being a common crime, Mary, though I hope gnomes don't come alive at midnight - Eek! that's the stuff of nightmares :eek:

Of course they come alive at night and sing. They sing 'Gnome, Sweet Gnome'.

Alas, I didn't know what Smarties were, Jayne luv, but now I know they are like M & Ms. But when sleuthing http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smarties to discover how I could be as Smartie as you, I discovered something horrifying.

Probably your gnome was stolen by a gang of vegetarians who were indirectly trying to alert you to the below. (Of course it would be the females, wouldn't it? It's always the females who get crushed.)
If you haven't already done so, I'd advise you to take your gnome aside and delicately explore exactly what happened while it was away. It might have been brainwashed and is reporting your animal-eating habits back to HQ. If this is the case, you may be in danger.

John seems to have an inside track on this cult. It would not be amiss to confer with him.

I wonder where the Smurfs fit in. Are red-hatted gnomes and white-hatted blue Smurfs different species, allied nations, rival gangs, or what?