The Oldie 'Declarations' results
 

None of us got anywhere with this comp - not even an Hon Mensh!
I'm wondering whether G M Southgate and G M Davis are the same person, loosely based on: the same initials, 'and that means you', similar meter and the lack of punctuation. (I may be quite wrong but I could easily believe those two poems had the same author.)
So... no congratulations to heap upon any Sphereans this month :(

Let's hope we do better next time!

Jayne

The Oldie Competition
by Tessa Castro

In competition no. 155 you were invited to construct a poem from such declarations as ‘Paper towels will block this toilet’, a challenge which brought out the scatological in you to a surprising degree. Steve Menarry donned his rubber gloves, but regretted that ‘The pan is fairly deep; the gloves are fairly short.’
Mae Scanlan found on her toaster a warning: ‘Do not immerse in water’ and remarked: ‘I’m glad it’s there, so I don’t, in the morning, / Go put it in the dishwasher.’ Margaret Burgess composed a romping meditation on the notice: ‘Family Planning. Use rear entrance’. Both Laila Lacey and Alison Prince wrote poems on the sign ‘This door is alarmed’, exhibiting much sympathy for the poor, frightened thing. Commiserations to them and congratulations to those printed below, each of whom receives £25, with the bonus prize of a Chambers Biographical Dictionary going to Christopher Orlik.

Paper towels will block this toilet
Beware of falling rocks
Dangerous bends for half a mile
Avoid electric shocks

Slow down old people crossing
Beware of shifting sands
Do not climb this side of ladder
Now please wash your hands

Keep away from water
In case of fire break glass
In case of fire don’t use the lift
Please keep of the grass <--- (Their typo in this line, not mine.)

Do not use while sleeping
Wait for green to cross the street
Keep away from children
Gentlemen lift the seat
Christopher Orlik

Sign at All Hallows Church, West Sussex:
‘No one is to climb this ladder’
No one is to climb this ladder
Everyone must keep his place
Whether you are good or bad, or
Both, you climb by God’s good grace.
Jacob may, or Quasimodo,
Ringers, masons get there too,
No one is to climb this ladder
Otherwise, and that means you.
Any pew is fine to pray in
Any place is fine to stand
Men may only climb if Peter
Reaches down and takes their hand.
Bats may cluster in the belfry
Swallows nest, and plaster fall,
No one is to climb this ladder –
Not unless they get the call.
G M Southgate

Paper towels will block this toilet
If your lock has stuck then oil it
Addressed mail only at this house
Do be faithful to your spouse
No hot drinks on board this bus
Never panic, scream or fuss
Over 18? Show ID
Worse things do occur at sea
Kindly wait here to be seved
All parabolas are curved
Smoking kills (and that means you)
Fines if books are overdue
Cashier number seven, please
Treat your cat or dog for fleas
The bleedin’ obvious for fools?
Maybe so, but rules are rules
G M Davis

‘Fleas – Keep Your Feet Off Seats’,
‘No S-itting’!
These bold injunctions graced my daily ‘bus to school.
A victory for adolescent fingernails and wit.

‘Cats Eyes Removed’, the roadside poster unremitting
In its message, yet no vet’s name or number is provided
To help pet lovers make remedial use of it.

‘Photographs Don’t Bend’ across my long-awaited package large was writ.
‘Oh yes they do,’ my jovial postman chortled
Whilst stuffing it with vigour through my postal flap.

‘Please leave this toilet as you would wish to find it’
Would clearly give such literal rubric slaves ample scope
To create their own Utopian closets,
embellishing the pedestal, the toilet roll and tap.

Joking aside, a curt instruction may be no bad thing.
‘Dial M for Bathmat’ read my Paphos bathroom label,
Providing title, outline plot and Cypriot setting
For my first West End hit – the rest is fable!
Mike Law