New Statesman -- counting legs winners
 

No 4259
Set by Helen Cox
In ancient times, a revered natural philosopher ponders why birds have two legs, mammals four, insects six, spiders eight, and so on. We wanted a brief glimpse into his or her reasoning.

This week’s winners
An extremely hard comp and one that led one of your number to attach to the top of his entry the aside: “I can’t believe I am doing this.” Hon menshes to Sid Field (“Well, that’s enough postulating for one day . . . Now what did I do with that amphora of wine?”) and Frank Osen (“The Creator . . . said, ‘There. I’ll give the humans the ones with the funny thumbs. Are you satisfied now?’”) The winners get £25 each, with the Tesco vouchers going, in addition, to Adrian Fry.

Can you kick it?
The gods, being legless, made fish to be legless also and there was peace on earth. They devised, thereafter, one-legged creatures to be superior unto them. But the one-legged creatures grew haughty and so man was fashioned with two legs with which to kick the one-legged creatures. This man did unto their extinction, whereupon the gods grew fearful that man would draw the obvious conclusion of his superiority.
No three-legged animals were created lest man remove two of their legs and kick them unto extinction. Of four-legged animals, the gods brought forth a profusion, rightly calculating that man would kick into extinction neither that which he could race nor that which he could not catch. Of creatures with more than four legs we are forbidden to speak, most of them being too small to warrant even a normal complement of legs and unkickable also.
Adrian Fry

Out on a limb
In the beginning, Zeus created all creatures but they had no legs and could not move. So Zeus said to the spiders: “What would you do if I gave you legs?” They replied: “Spin wondrously fine silk and set traps to control pests.”
“Excellent,” said Zeus. “You are model workers, not scroungers. You shall have eight legs.”
When he asked the insects, they said: “Travel everywhere to pollinate, so that life may continue.” Zeus gave them six legs. Upon being asked, the beasts of the fields said: “Wander the land in search of grazing, to produce milk, wool and meat.” “Factory farming, soon,” replied Zeus, “but, in the meantime, have four legs.” Then he asked the human beings. They answered: “Running! Cycling! Synchronised swimming! Olympics! Yay!” And Zeus said: “Idiots! You don’t deserve any. But I’ll give you two – you’d just invent the Paralympics anyway.”
Ian Birchall

Off the peg
You say that birds have two legs, mammals four and insects six and ask: “Why?” This is a false question. How do you know this is universally the case? You trust the evidence of your unreliable senses, yet what is reality? Have you seen all the birds in the world? You are a mammal – yet do you not have two legs? Are there not mammals swimming in the Aegean Sea with no legs? If you remove two legs from a spider, is it no longer a spider? Had not Polyphemus but one eye? Could there not exist a Queen across the seas, in a land of eternal rain, with 11 fingers and no head? Or a faraway land with mammals that lay eggs or hop, stuffing their babies in pouches, where civilisation reaches not, with men with no brains, and one named Jakos Pegasus, with an extra leg?
David Silverman

Down for the count
Our world’s harmony springs from the balance underpinning its construction, a balance exemplified in the paired allocation of limbs to creatures. Animals are defined by the number of their legs. Two-legged creatures are birds. It follows therefore, that humans, who are mammals, must have four – observe them in early infancy and in old age and you can see that this is the case. Birds need only two; flying is their principal mode of mobility. Spiders need eight. How else could they be differentiated from insects, themselves especially needing to identify the spider.
My late mentor, Aristotle, is ignorantly mocked for referring to the ephemeroptera (mayfly) as an insect with only four legs. “Stop theorising and count them!” is the cry. Indeed, he made careful observation and based his finding of four legs on their functionality. A natural philosopher, however, must do more than observe. Reason must guide his finding.
As for the centipede, its 100 legs is a myth but it will not stay long enough for you to count.
Helen Hogan