New Statesman -- off-putting memoir -- June 6 deadline
 

No 4278
By Leonora Casement
We want openings for a book of memoirs that discourage you from reading on. In the 1940s, one winner began: “I am not going to begin this memoir with a pedigree of the Effsisees, or tell you the story of my great uncle, the bishop and the buttonhook.”
Max 150 words by 6 June comp@newstatesman.co.uk

Tiger Woods: "When I was a boy my father was always off putting."

Kim Jong Un:

"The first lesson that my father taught me is that the secret of a really delicious roast dog is proper marination."

Tony Blair:

"To tell you the truth..."

Tom Jones:

"Life, love, lust ... and Listerine."

Ronald Reagan;

Errr... I can't recall...

"The world of philately in which I spent my formative years was rocked by the transition from mucilage to self-sticking adhesives. I am proud to have been an administrative assistant to a mid-level glue executive who played a minor but vital role in the transition, every detail of which is meticulously set forth in the personal journals from which I have drawn heavily in creating this narrative."

Shades of Tristram Shandy, Roger-Bob. After an opening like that, I would buy the book. Expecting to laugh myself silly(ier) on every page.

Self-publishing comes good: via the miracle that is lick-and-sniff technology, and complete with colour prints and a description of each experience, enjoy fifty-seven fragrancies encountered by this sewerage operative. You'll believe you're in it.

.

"As I sit down to write these memoirs, I can but reflect that those who hold this volume in their hands will be doing so in order to lay it down as a doorstop, or, if the book is thin enough, to slide it underneath the short leg of an annoyingly wobbly table. And somewhere in this reflection lies a metaphor, the suggestion that an empty life can attain a measure of practical utility through the very process of writing it down. To begin: Ever since I was a boy, I never understood the popularity of pizza. I sort of like it, mind you, but most people seem to like it way more than I do, which is funny, since I do like bread, cheese and tomatoes. My wife thinks it's the salt, but that makes no sense since I enjoy olives."