New Statesman -- proverbs -- July 4 deadline
 

No 4282
By Leonora Casement
It is always worthwhile asking you to send in some new proverbs for the present day. Some time ago, we received: “Still waters are almost always polluted,” and “It’s a long lane that isn’t closed off by traffic cones.” There must have been new political dramas, events and so on that have inspired you.
Max ten attempts by 4 July comp@newstatesman.co.uk

A problem shared is a disgrace doubled.

A nod’s as good as a wink to a freemason with Asperger’s.

Ask a silly question and snake bath melon fringe.

You can lead a horse to slaughter, but you can’t sell it as beef.

God help those who help themselves.

The Amish abhor a vacuum cleaner.

Never judge a book by its sales figures.

If ifs and ands were pots and pans, this sentence would be nonsense.

Red sky at night, shepherd’s delight; red sky in the morning, shepherd’s warning; minced lamb topped with mashed potatoes, shepherd’s pie.

There’s nowt so queer as homosexuals.

I love that last one. And now a little something I prepared earlier.

Proverbs

Flash birds pleasure no losers
Flush nerds favour no boozers
Fresh gourds threaten no porkers
Fierce Kurds threaten no Ghurkas
Fey Lords lack for no toyboys
Fat broads look for no joyboys
Fresh turds flatter no pavements
Fly frauds flutter no boardrooms
Fine bards scatter no wordlists
Fine words butter no parsnips

This is stuff I did right now while watching the Indians stuff the Sri Lankans. Ouch! England's turn on Saturday.

Modern Proverbs

It's not enough to be a people person.
It's hardly gay today to be a gay.
After an Arab Spring things tend to worsen.
Group sex is better if you play away.
An abandoned woman's place is in the money.
A man divorced is really in the shit.
A traffic warden's wit is rarely funny.
A banker bankrupt is the biter bit.
A steady job diminishes libido.
It's a wise child that knows his dad's a paedo.

By the way is paedo how you spell it? Pedo? Peedo?

There's no point sitting on the toilet if you're not willing to pull down your pants.

A drunken spraypainter in a boatyard leaves no stern untoned.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

See no weevil, hear no weevil, spray no weevil.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man lives a life of voyeuristic bliss.

Seldom does a teenaged daughter
Think her mother walks on water.

At the tavern called the Pedant’s Rest
You’ll find the campus pederast.

A woman uses what she’s got
To get what she possesses not.

Automotive tailpipe gas
Decimates the upper class.

When the sentencing judge gets a hardon,
The hooker can hope for a pardon.

The redneck girl surveys the city slickers;
And for a price, will gladly drop her knickers.

A poem should be palpable and numb,
And weighty as a crooked butcher’s thumb.

The Psalms of King Dave are solemn and grave;
But David’s a witty cuss compared to Leviticus.

What comes from ebay ends by going back on ebay.

The fool calls a care home what the wise man knows is a slow abattoir.

Empty vessels are returning to China.

I have a feeling one or two of these might be unintentionally borrowed, so do let me know (Or help prune the ones that are most unfunny/offensive).

1. Monkey see, monkey post on Facebook.
2. The way to a man’s heart is through a 2-3 inch incision between the ribs.
3. The grass is always greener after 4 solid months of rain.
4. If you can’t stand the heat, you’ll like it here.
5. People who live in glass houses have large heating bills.
6. Lightning strikes Albert Square every other week.
7. The only good Indian is a Depp Indian, apparently.
8. Some have The Great Gatsby thrust upon them.
9. Don’t burn Liberace’s candle at both ends.
10. A spoonful of Lord Sugar goes a long way.
11. Too many cooks are on the BBC.
12. Don’t test a gift lasagna’s DNA.
13. One rotten bank will spoil the whole economy.
14. Don’t flush the baby down the toilet.
15. Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he competes with you for the dwindling North Sea stocks.

Mary, I don't recognize any of them as having had previous owners, although the last time there was a proverb competition, I submitted "The way to a man's heart is through his ribcage".

But since it didn't get printed, I shan't be suing you for breach of copyright if yours does!

Practice makes prefetc.

Fortune favours the rich.

People who live in Glasgow shouldn’t get stoned.

The early bird catches H5N1.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a stolen credit card.

(I’m tempted to suggest other things you shouldn’t teach your grandma to suck, but decorum prevents me.)