New Statesman -- letter of resignation winners
 

No 4281
Set by Leonora Casement
We asked for letters of resignation from an unnamed minister to his or her prime minister, giving the reasons why they can no longer serve in the government. These days, the cause would have to be pretty extreme to prompt such an action.

This week’s winners
Superb. There were so many good entries that we found it hard to pick just four winners. However, one standout who didn’t make it on to the page was Graham King (“Dear Prime Minister, in the light of what science tells us, I now find my position untenable. Our bodies are multiplex: billions of cells diverse in metabolism and form, ever reproducing and dying; matter ceaselessly in flux. Who, then, am I?”). An hon mensh to you. The four winners get £25 each, with the Tesco vouchers going, in addition, to Rob Stuart.

Dear PM,
It is saddening that our long and amicable relationship should end in my resignation but I’m sure you will understand the moral scruples that make it impossible for me to continue.
In a way, of course, you have only yourself to blame. You have always known that my nickname – “Bonkers” – in no way referred to my mental health, which is impeccable, but to my amorous proclivities. I believe you are also aware that in the constituency of which I am the sitting member, the committee ladies all refer to me as the “Standing Member”, for reasons that modesty forbids me to elucidate.
Nevertheless, I feel obliged to make a premature withdrawal from your government.
Yours . . .
PS I would be grateful if you could ask your wife to return the socks and underpants that, in my haste, I left behind when you returned unexpectedly during my last visit.
Nicholas Holbrook

Dear Thingummy,
Regretfully I must inform you of my intention to stand down as a wotsit. I have recently been diagnosed with something or other that affects my memory, vocabulary and concertina. This often results in me losing the thread of whatever task I am involved in, repeating myself or simply repeating myself. I have also developed a tendency to repeat myself and to leave sentences half. As you can imagine, this is making the discharge of my ministerial whatchamacallits extremely thingy. Or, at least, I imagine it is. I can’t really remember. This problem is further exacerbated by a tendency to lose the thread of whatever task I am involved in and repeat myself. So, to summarise, I would be most grateful if you could allow Tom to sit out of PE this afternoon on account of his ingrown toenail.
Yours . . .
Rob Stuart

Dear PM,
As you will be aware, this letter was written by my beloved wife, who has kindly undertaken to make inquiries with regard to the position of a cabinet minister such as myself who is, unfortunately, dead. I am aware that my contribution to this government’s important work is now, perforce, limited and yet one cannot help wondering whether my ghostly
influence on the austerity package would not enhance it more significantly than that of those who are yet in rude health? Notwithstanding, perhaps you could let us know if my resignation is now expected? Or if there might not be some further cut I could implement? If you feel that my efforts from beyond the grave might not play well in the press and with the electorate, I would, with great sadness, have to accept the inevitable and final cut myself.
Yours . . .
Josh Ekroy

Dear PM,
I am writing this from another part of our galaxy, many light years from earth. Although I never previously gave much credence to tales of abduction by extraterrestrial beings, I now have empirical evidence that such events do occur.
My hosts are treating me with greater consideration than the rather harsh verb “abduct” might imply. True, there have been some extensive medical examinations but I can report with satisfaction that their advanced technology has evidently obviated the need for actual rectal probing.
They have assured me that I can anticipate a return to earth at some unspecified future date and that they can arrange delivery of this missive in the meantime. I cannot say with certainty how long I might be detained and therefore feel that I must tender my resignation, as I am unable at this distance to give adequate attention to my ministerial duties.
Yours . . .
Chris O’Carroll