New Statesman -- proverbs winners
 

No 4282
Set by Leonora Casement
We asked you to send in some new proverbs for the present day. To inspire you, we gave you these examples: “Still waters are almost always polluted,” and “It’s a long lane that isn’t closed off by traffic cones.”

This week’s winners
Well done. We look forward to competitions such as this – the more surreal the entry, the more we like it. Hon menshes to all those who sent in proverbs beginning with the words: “Too many cooks . . .” and “A rolling stone gathers . . .” Many, indeed, were almost identical and you can’t all share the same book token. Speaking of which, the winners receive a £5 book token for each entry printed. The Tesco vouchers go, in addition, to P Holland.
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There is no smoke without a government health warning.
J Seery
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Look before you press “Reply all”.
Nicholas Hodgson
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It is always greener before the developers arrive.
Alanna Blake
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If you don’t at first succeed, blame the last lot.

Honesty is the best policy – but tax shelters work well, too.
Michael Leapman
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One man’s tweet is another man’s frisson.
G M Davis
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Time waits for no man – unless he’s travelling faster than the speed of light.
Brian Allgar
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He who is slow to anger never makes the front page.
Brian D Allingham
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He who laughs last, LOL.
John Griffiths-Colby
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Beware of Greeks bearing economic recovery plans.
K M Smith
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Look before you invade.
David Silverman
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If it ain’t broke, it ain’t the eurozone.
Francis Harry
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If you can’t stand the heat, you’ll like it here.

The grass is always greener after four solid months of rain.
Mary McLean
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It’s better to have loved and lost than not to have taken the penalty points.

A problem shared means your phone’s been hacked.

Penny wise, euro foolish.
P Holland
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A bird in the hand isn’t worth two years inside.
George Inman
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A badger cull is never a black-and-white issue.
John Boaler
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In the country of the blind, there’s no market for internet porn.

Good fences make good graffiti venues.
Chris O’Carroll
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Look before you lap-dance.
Bill Greenwell
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Better the coalition you know than the coalition you don’t.
Carolyn Thomas-Coxhead
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The way to a man’s heart is through keyhole surgery.

A fool and his money are soon parted by a Ponzi scheme.
Eric Hunter

Woohoo! My first earnings. And great Spherean representation -- special kudos to Brian for a successful physics joke.

My versions of the proverbs that everybody submitted were "A Rolling Stone gathers the occasional knighthood" and "Too many cooks have their own television shows." What were yours? (A comedian friend once advised me that when a joke pretty much writes itself, it's probably writing itself for other people as well.)

Yup, 'Too many cooks are on the BBC'. No rolling stones though.

Rolling Stones don’t gather for Kate Moss. (They refused to play at her wedding.)

Too many cooks can’t tell the difference between a cow and a horse.

xxxI also sent, among others:

A bird in the hand can give you Avian Flu.

Beware of Greeks bearing bonds.

Beware of Greek bearer bonds.

Congratulations, all! I laughed out loud at a lot of the winners (and some of the losers).

Susan

I had
A rolling stone is the first sign of a fracking catastrophe.

And when this comp (or very similar) was last run, I recall the pithy 'Too many cooks, period.'

Mine was: A Rolling Stone gathers many wrinkles.

Congrats, winners!