New Statesman -- sport & politics -- August 15 deadline
 

No 4287
By J Seery
We want trainers’ advice to sportsmen on how they could benefit from the tactics and practices of politicians: what footballers could learn, say, about “taking a dive” from the synthetic indignation of MPs.
Max 150 words by 15 August comp@newstatesman.co.uk

Oh, God, here we go again - politics, sport, and Seery.

Anthony Weiner advises Jerry Sandusky on cybersex?

Now, lads and lasses, we’ve got a mixed bunch for training today - disciples from different disciplines, if I may so put it, ha, ha! - and we’re very lucky to have some words of wisdom from someone I’m sure you’ve all heard of: Tony Blair. (Stop making silly faces, Mr Wilson. Miss Jenkins, if you need to throw up, please use the Ladies’ room.)

Here’s what he has to say to you.

"For the boxers: even when you're floored, don't take it lying down.

For the golfers: take a good look at how the land lies.

For the runners: don’t be content with lying second - a quick elbow-jab will get you ahead.

For the yachtsmen: always lie close to the wind.

Remember, it’s up to you. If you’re determined, you’ll win whatever the cost to others. As you make your bed, so you must lie in it - if necessary, through your teeth."

So if anyone asks by whom you'd prefer to be coached/governed, you could reply enigmatically and anagrammatically: 'Not by liar.'

Some politicians could
benefit from a boot
in the bollocks. :p

Ah, rugby football I see. What about something along these lines?

Advice to the Australian Cricket Team

Remember: lack of talent is no bar to success.

Remember: being out doesn't mean you won't be in again shortly.

Remember: the really dangerous stuff comes in very fast from the right.

Remember: going over the top is a good tactic sometimes.

Remember: loudmouthed boorishness is often the way to go.

Remember: grass roots are good but grassing Root is probably unwise.

Remember: Broad appeals are usually a waste of time.

Remember: whatever people may say nobody loves a gallant loser.

Remember: good spin is the key.

Remember: the back foot is the wrong foot when things get ugly.

Clever, John. Clever!

Remember: you won't get anywhere with 'no balls'.

(Hah! I bet nobody thought I could do a cricket joke!)

Surely, Brian, you mean 'no Balls.' Which I suspect is rather bad advice for Ed Miliband.