New Statesman -- private detectives -- September 12 deadline
 

No 4291
By J Seery
After the phone-hacking scandal, the Home Office announced its intention to bring about the regulation of the private investigation industry. We want extracts from a syllabus studied by PIs or questions from exam papers.
Max 150 words by 12 September comp@newstatesman.co.uk

I'm a bit stuck for ideas for this one. Seems we all are...

Blimey. It's against my policy, but if you're all going to be shrinking violets I'll chuck one in.


Detective Studies 101, Part I

1.On the trail of a missing person you break into a motel room. In the centre of the floor a man stands pointing a gun at you. At his feet lies a bleeding corpse. A a glamorous blonde woman in a low-cut gown sits on the sofa smoking. On the desk is a bottle of whisky. What is your first move?

2.Rank in order of their utility as clues the following: a car registration number; a torn-off piece of paper with part of an address on it; a memory stick; an encrypted memory stick; a matchbook from a bar or restaurant; a murdered person's dying words; confidential police information; lipstick; DNA.

3. Would you agree with Barthes' diagnosis that 'in the figure of the private investigator we find that utopic dissolution of the subject-object rupture which promises a happiness it never brings?'

And here's a mystery for some 'tec to solve: WTF is 'BANNED POST' all about? I had to edit them out.

It means you're on the list, Bazza. They call at six in the morning.

They'll never take me alive.

Bazza, the swine are quite happy with the alternative.

Exam paper, Private Investigator: 101
 

Q1.WITHOUT LOOKING UP, list exits from this examination hall.
(You are under constant surveillance. Cheating is futile.)

Q2.
THEORY: What is attached under your chair?
PRACTICAL: Disable it. Belt-buckle and shoelaces, not calculator nor penknife, may be used.
(A doctor is in attendance.)

Q3. One candidate here is an impostor- a plant. Which one? How can you tell?
Q4. Have you previously sat this exam under another identity? (Exhaustive background checks will be made.) What made you think your subterfuge would succeed? How will you do better in future?

Leave the exam by a different route, ensuring you are not followed. Deposit your paper (with fee in unmarked, non-sequential mixed banknotes) in the brown paper bag supplied, at the location whispered to you by the hooded blonde pushing her pram past the gate as you arrived. Do not attempt to contact us; we will contact you.