Christmas Limericks
 

A competition with no prizes. I'll start:

There's nothing at all on the shelves.
But the kids are all pissing themselves
For Santa's flat out
With a gallon of stout
And Rudolph has eaten the elves.

Old Santa’s goodwill took a beating,
And his jolliness proved all too fleeting
On the rooftops that night -
Not a chimney in sight,
‘Cos the sods have all got central heating.

They caught an old codger, none sillier,
In the bedroom of little Cecilia.
He was stuffing her stocking,
An act truly shocking,
So they nicked him for gross paedophilia.

The turkey implored me, his farmer:
"At Thanksgiving, thanks to Obama,
My brothers were pardoned."
My attitude hardened:
"It’s Christmas, and this is your karma."


Now I'd better start packing the car, or I'll never make it to England tomorrow.

There was an old geezer called Claus
Who never used windows or doors,
But the chim-i-ney stack.
Now his muff has turned black,
As he kept getting soot in his drawers.

With time to think about it, I will do better than that.

Brian, are you fleeing a French Christmas? What on earth is it like? I suppose instead of a turkey, each guest has an individual stuffed budgerigar.

Do you know that A.A. Milne pronounced the bird budgerigger? Not a lot of people know that.

Or perhaps would want to, John. If a French Christmas is anything like a Spanish Christmas, who's a lucky Allgar, then?

One Santa has now been defrocked,
As it were, for an act that has shocked
Both country and city.
What he did, more's the pity,
Can't be told, or the thread might be locked.

What have you started, John?

Noel

At Christmas, preserving my figure,
I consumed just one stuffed budge-a-rigger
On a slice of French Toast,
But the Heavenly Host
Made it bigger and bigger and bigger.

I dunno what a French Christmas is like, John. I always spend it with my family in England, and Francoise with hers in France, then she joins us in England on Boxing Day.

One Santa has now been defrocked,
As it were, for an act that has shocked
Both country and city.
What he did, more's the pity,
Can't be told, or the thread might be locked.

Jerome, in the interests of truth, civic duty, and pure filth, I fear I must reveal all:

The News of the World is no more,
But stories continue; I saw
That Santa votes Labour -
He wielded his sabre,
And Cameron feels a bit sore.

(Aaaarghhh! Still haven't packed the car.)

Brian A. flees to good old perfide
When we thought he was safely Paris'd? (Think about it)
Dare we ask him to tell
If it's fear of Noel
Or results from some scandalous deed?

Pippa Middleton's Tips for Christmas
 

To be honest, I wouldn't advise
Eating cranberry sauce with mince pies
And it may seem quite quirky
Serving custard with turkey,
Though it would give your guests a surprise.