Speccie Lonely Hearts by 12th Feb
 

I have no idea how to do this. I shallcwait, possum-like, to see what you long-headed folk do.

No. 2835: lonely hearts

You are invited to submit a profile for an online dating website for a well-known politician, living or dead (150 words max.) Please email entries to [email] lucy@spectator.co.uk[/email by midday on 12 February. NB. Last week’s challenge, Hard-boiled Blyton, is No. 2634, not 2635.

SWM (very W!), baronet (and future Prime Minister?), young, energetic, charismatic, ambitious and solvent, WLTM damn fine, unliflinchingly loyal and Aryan filly for friendship (maybe more?) and romantic goose-steps down Cable Street. Married women also considered. Dash it, married women preferred! Must have GSOP (Good Sense Of Prejudice), be prepared to accompany me on fact-finding tours abroad (Italy and Germany) and be able to make first-rate sandwiches for the regular social gatherings/kike-biffing sessions I like to conduct with my friends. Demonstrable skill with laundry is essential; I insist on my shirts being washed blacker than black. BTW, as I am not one for false modesty I can absolutely guarantee to provide you with the most skilled and powerful oratory you have ever experienced. I can also boast some talent at cunnilingus.

(How’s that for quick off the mark?)

Sensitive painter seeks muse for inspiration and more. She will have a keen interest in the visual arts, in literature, and in music, and will help me to express the full range of my artistic leanings.

Physically, I am rather short, but friends tell me I have an intense personal magnetism that causes them to forget my lack of height. I am irresistible to women, although unfortunately all my previous lady-friends ended up committing suicide, so I am currently unattached.

My ideal woman will be one who has no objection to being kissed by a man with a small moustache. She may be from a modest background, as I am not in the least snobbish. Indeed, I am a great believer in tolerance for, and kindness towards, my fellow human beings. Of course, this does not include blacks, Jews, gypsies, homosexuals, communists, or other inferior breeds that pollute the world.

(In case you're wondering about any vague similarities, Rob, I wrote this one at 10 a.m., having seen the Spectator website, but had to wait for it to appear here.)

I did the same thing, Brian. I'm sure there's room for more than one fascist anyway.

OK. I get the picture.

Anti-establishment classical liberal libertarian GSOH smoker with classic profile and considerable commercial experience lately in the City and back in the mists of time somewhere in bongo-bongo land, filthy rich who believes you are as young as you feel WLTM beautiful slut, blonde (17-24) with EBSOH (she will certainly need it) with a view to Frog President type of arrangement Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. No need to clean behind the fridge. I have a fine faithful filly if a little long in the tooth who does that sort of thing to a T Sundays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Your talents will lie in other directions something we could discuss perhaps over a bottle of Chardonnay and a light lunch at a time and place to be arranged in Clubland. No foam-flecked, snarling, balaclava-knitting class warrior with face LTBOAB and a penchant for surfing porn on the net need apply.

LMFAO @ LTBOAB, John.

Oh I do hope you can screw it back in again with your golden navel, Rob.

Eligible French bachelor researches English dame for the companionship, the entente cordiale, and a little of the nooky from time into time.

I am not speaking very well the English, but I possess one sense of the humour, and I am devoted to the fine eating. There is of the certain persons who say that I abuse too much the last, but this is simply of the bad tongue provoked by the jealousy.

For the instant, I am a man very occupied, by this which running an entire country is not an affair of the most simple, particularly when it is a bordello like the France. I hope, therefore, that you will be capable of you amuse yourself while my absences frequent.

But he is well probable that I shall have much more of time for the leisures after the next elections Presidential.

Nice one, Brian. Here I was hoping the masters would overlook this one.