Speccie de haut en bas by 19 March
 

I think I can manage a verse here.

No. 2840: de haut en bas

The comedian Rob Brydon said that he would choose Alan Bennett to ghostwrite his autobiography. You are invited to provide an extract from the autobiography of a modern-day celebrity, ghostwritten by a literary great. Please email entries (of up to 150 words), wherever possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 19 March.

Presumably this means 'not-very-effectively-ghostwritten' so that the ghost writer's style shows through?

Well, I don't imagine they would want Justin Bieber's autobiography ghostwritten by Henry James if it came out sounding like Justin Bieber. (Not that I have the faintest idea what that would be like.)

Pity, I'm sure that would be a winner.

Geoffrey Chaucer/Noel Edmonds

The ‘Fele-fold of Coloures Chaunginge Shoppe’
(The ‘Multicoloured Swap Shop’)
Didde ocupye me hapili non-stoppe
(Kept me happily and continuously occupied)
For muchel yers, but all thynges god must ypasse.
(For many years, but all good things must pass.)
Al I were couthed as an anoiful ars,
(Even though some people thought me rather irritating,)
Wantynge of both ymagynynge and charm,
(And somewhat lacking in both imagination and charm,)
Swink on the screne elleswher fell in min barm.
(Further screen work fell into my lap.)
Produicers knowe not qualite from crappe-
(Producers don’t really have much of a clue about anything-)
Thedom requeres noon talent, onli hap.
(Success requires no talent, only luck.)

Dean Swift ghostwrites David Beckham
 

This place is a bad influence. More and more I find myself committing the act of prose.

“And good morrow to you, my fine woman. Willst thou divulge thy name?” I asked, for I have always opined that it is better to stick one’s face in the mouth of a lion than display one’s rump to him, not that my present interlocutor was in any way leonine.
“Posh,” replied this vision of beauty and elegance before me in a voice that dripped wild Liverpudlian honey.
Now generally I reserve a great disdain for the simpering, chattering persons of the female sex, with their inane witterings on the most mundane of subjects from flower arranging to lattice-work, but there was something about this ethereal chanteuse that held my attention, possibly her ability to disappear when she turned sideways.
“Posh indeed,” I replied grandiosely and I performed several keepy-uppies for her amusement, at which she clapped excitedly for several minutes before asking me the nature of my profession.

Being an extract from the autobiography of Susan Boyle ghostwritten by McGonagall
 

I wrote this as straight biography, not ghostwritten autobiography, before realizing that wouldn't do - which shows it pays to properly read the question before attempting an answer!
I was also 15 words over limit. I rephrased it as prose to address these problems. Here are both versions.


***

‘Twas on the First of April in Nineteen and Sixty-One
That Susan Magdalane, named Boyle, issued to see the sun
But rocketed to stardom ten days and forty-eight years later
On the stage - “Britain’s Got Talent” - all would rise to celebrate her.

At Edinburgh Acting School and Fringe she’d trod the boards
Until angelic-voiced she’d power to pacify the hordes.
To glower in that hour Simon Cowell ceased, repenting;
That she had Great British Talent, judges, viewers, all, assenting.

Though homely in appearance and not visibly a star
It is the heart, not surface only, makes us what we are;
A prominence now rising from domesticity silent
Susan gleaned respect of hearers and won applause violent.

Her song “I Dreamed a Dream” was from Les Misérables oddly
For that it did increase the cheer of everyone there bodily.
Born in Blackburn (Lothian West - not Lancashire) she’d grown
In age and stature and her skill till audibly she shone!

***

On April First, Nineteen-Sixty-One, I Susan Magdalane Boyle issued to see the sun
but rocketed to stardom ten days forty-eight years later on the stage - “Britain’s Got Talent”. All would rise to celebrate!
Though homely in appearance, not visibly a star, it is the heart, not surface only, makes us what we are. A prominence arising from domesticity silent I gleaned respect of hearers and their applause violent.
At Edinburgh Acting School and Fringe I’d trod the boards until angelic-voiced I’d power to pacify the hordes. To glower in that hour Simon Cowell ceased, repenting; that I had Great British Talent, judges, viewers, all assenting.
My song “I Dreamed a Dream” was from Les Misérables oddly for it did increase the cheer of everyone there bodily. Born in Blackburn (Lothian West - not Lancs) Miss Boyle had grown in age, stature and skill till audibly she shone!

Extract from autobiography of Susan Boyle ghostwritten by J.R.R.Tolkien
 

In a home in the town of Blackburn there lived a hobbyist named SuBo, who loved to sing. Not Blackburn, Lancashire but Blackburn, West Lothian (which is equally wet and oozy). However, the home was dry.
I am SuBo! Although it took years before that name came to be heard in the counsels of the Great and Wise, from this homely beginning I set out on my Great Adventure.
The Green Room had a door, with a big brass knob, leading to a tunnel, tiled and carpeted, with many doors off it, winding into the theatre towards The Stage (as people for miles around called it).
This is the story of how I had an Adventure and found myself doing things altogether unexpected. I would face perils - the wizard Simon of the Dark Glower; the ranked hordes of Murmur - hostile forces, inclined however to underestimate the humble…