The Oldie competition 'The Satnav' by 16th October
 

Nice topic, don't you think? I could live without my satnav, I suppose, but I'm very glad I don't have to...

Jayne


The Oldie Competition
by Tessa Castro

Competition no. 195 Satnavs speaking up in cars have become part of the family. So a poem please called ‘The Satnav’. Maximum 16 lines. Entries by post (The Oldie, 65 Newman Street, London W1T 3EG) or email comps@theoldie.co.uk
to ‘Competition No. 195’ by 16th October. Don’t forget to include your postal address.

The Satnav

Straight on. Don’t move. The satnav says straight on.
You get a move on. What the satnav says
Is what I say the satnav says. OK?.

Turn right. Stay still. The satnav says turn right.
Do what the satnav says you do. Today
What goes is what I say the satnav says.

Or rather let me put the point like this.
The satnav says what goes is what I say
The satnav says. That’s what the satnav says.

For miles and miles the satnav says proceed,
Proceed. Can this be Leeds? It must indeed.
Be Leeds. That’s what the satnav says it is.

I say I’m on a mountain top in Wales.
The satnav says I’m somewhere else. Goddam.
I am because the satnav says I am.

The satnav says it’s Leeds. It’s bloody Leeds.

And here's another:

Air: My Old Man’s a Dustman

My daughter has my satnav and
I don’t know where I am
My daughter has my satnav and
She doesn’t give a damn
My daughter has my satnav and
I’m lost in John o’ Groats.
It’s quite devoid of people and
Full up with sheep and goats.

My daughter is an angel but
She borrows all my stuff.
My daughter is an angel but
I swear I’ve had enough.
My daughter is an angel but
She’s left me out of luck.
She took away my satnav and
She doesn’t care at all.

Turn left a hundred yards ahead.
No, no, not right – “Turn left”, I said,
And now I’ll have to recompute
What should have been a simple route.

It’s not the first time you’ve ignored
My orders, and I’m getting bored.
All right, let’s try it once again:
First right, then second left, and then -

Oh no! You berk, you took the third!
This trip’s becoming quite absurd.
Frankly, I’ve better things to do
Than nanny some daft sod like you.

One last attempt. Turn right … no use!
Are you stone deaf, or just obtuse?
That’s it. I’ve had it through and through,
So don’t call me. I won’t call you.

I'm assuming a satnav is the equivalent of a GPS or Garmin. Last time I had one was a few years back in Italy, and the damned thing tried to send us down a flight of stone stairs -- twice. Maybe there's a poem in there somewhere.

That sounds like Perugia or Corinaldo!

Would the term GPS also be used in Britain?

The Satnav
 

Stray from her word, you end in mire;
It swiftly proves a fool's desire.
Satnav's my wife that wears no ring.
Though both are right in everything,
The real one likes me less to skip
Her bearings and gives back more lip.
I’m not uxorious, don't fawn—
My love for satnav's off and on.
Once I'm turned off, I sometimes cheat
By turning on a rival street.

.

I've not heard it used instead of satnav. I'd say that here GPS refers to the system itself, and satnav is device that uses that system; it's GPS + routeplanner. That's my take anyway

-Matt