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Moving Life With Questions
Revision
Moving Life With Questions She is ironing a blue dress in the white washroom The heat from the iron warms her hand The room is filling with the red slant of a falling sun A kitchen is through the open door Steam rises from a boiling pot Her hair is cut at a slant Her bangs angle down her forehead A darker red light comes through the window Her free arm is now covered with red She sets the iron on its end She smiles and takes a slow whirl Her hair is too short to fly up She turns back to the ironing board She picks up the dress with both hands She presses it to her breasts Now we must make a decision Does she move into the kitchen to cook dinner Is the dress her finest Is she planning to wear it tonight Is she a young virgin still confused Is a young husband upstairs Is he about to disappoint her Is she a French girl who sings La Vie en Rose Is she leaning toward the window Is she still here *** Moving Life With Questions She is ironing a blue dress Standing in the white washroom Heat from the iron warms her hand The room is filling with the red slant of a falling sun A kitchen is through the open door Steam rises from a boiling pot Her hair is cut at a slant Bangs angle down her forehead A darker red light comes through the window Her free arm is now covered with red She sets the iron on its end She smiles and takes a slow whirl Her hair is too short to fly up She turns back to the ironing board Picks up the dress with both hands She presses it to her breasts Now we must make a decision Does she move into the kitchen and cook dinner Is the dress her finest Will she wear it tonight Is she a young virgin still confused Is a young husband upstairs Is he about to disappoint her Is she a French girl who sings La Vie en Rose Is she leaning toward the window Is she a beauty soon gone |
John, this is fantastic! You effortlessly led me in and out of a painting (or at least it felt effortless :p ) in a unique way.
The only thing that stood out to me on the first reading was the repetition of “slant”, which may have been intentional, or might be unconcerning to you. Regardless, really well done. |
I really like this too, John, and Brandon’s right about the “moving life” painting. You paint a realistic picture, stroke by stroke, but stop before filling in the subject herself (though I love the way you sketch her hair and movement by telling us something that didn’t happen). The only thing that bothers me a little is the double image I get from last line: You seem to be saying, “was she a beauty whose beauty is now gone,” but the grammar says, “was she a beauty who is now gone.” If you mean that her younger, beautiful self is gone, replaced by an aging woman, I suppose it’s not a problem. I also wondered about the association of virginity with confusion, but now I’m really splitting hairs. It’s a painting I’ll linger in front of for a while.
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Beautiful, John. Perhaps de-capitalize the pronoun "With" in the title?
Like Carl, I'm not sure if the last line is 100% there. Maybe it is. I'll need to mull it over some more. |
Thanks to all. I post poems I'm unsure about and am happy this one is working for you three.
I knew the last line wasn't there. I've changed it and hope I get feedback on whether this is better. Thanks again. |
I like the way that the new last line keeps the latter part of the poem as a progression of "Is" rather than switching to "Was". She still "Is" all these things in this moment.
It's not clear if the "Was" after the stanza break is still part of the poem. I'm thinking it's not. |
No, Julie. Forgot to delete.
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Still not sure about the last line, John. You’ve still got the ambiguity of whether it’s she who’ll be gone or her beauty. Grammar says the former, though we may understand the latter. And in the grand scheme of things, whose beauty isn’t soon gone?
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Carl, I need to decide if the ambiguity is not appropriate . I’m looking at her and see beauty. She in her entirety is beauty. Maybe I should capitalize the “B.”
I will continue thinking about it. I have one line to say it. Thanks |
I've posted a revision. It has a few changes and another attempt at a last line. I've dropped mentioning "beauty." If it isn't in what is said about her directly I can't depend on the last line saying it. Poetry Writing 101.
Let me know and thanks for the help. |
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