No Score
 

On Watching 15-Year-Old Kamila Valieva’s Record-Breaking Free Skate at the Rostlecom Cup, Sochi, 2021, on YouTube


She glides. I curl and crumple in a heap—
the usual GI distress, one thumb
plunged into an acupressure point.
But here's Kamila, sliding like a ribbon,
stretching, swirling, flying swift as silkspin
across the white and wintery ellipse.

. . . She’s off and back, unfazed by my collapse.
Once more, my fate is widening the gaps
that keep me from my inner champion.
My bid for gold now's getting basics done:
it’s sport against myself—not art, not power.
Meanwhile, Kamila opens like a flower,

turns, then spirals skyward, furled anew,
and lands, “Boléro” surging through each cell.
Ah, what a dash she cuts when doing well
what fortune has allotted her to do!
I’m striving too, but haven’t budged an inch.
This girl's transcendent. That's the sharpest pinch.



See the performance here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCgWCChypBg


Revisions:
S1 L2--"usual GI distress" was "normal neck and stomach pain"
S1 L4--"But here's Kamila" was "But here, Kamila's"
S1 L6--"wintery" was "wintry"
S2 L2--"widening" was "deepening"
S2 L3--"keep" was "part"
S2 L6--"opens" was "unfurls"
S3 L1--was "twists into the air, a skybound screw," then "twists into the ether, furled anew"
S3 L5--removed comma after "striving"
S3 L6--was "I delegate transcendence to this nymph," then "This girl's transcendence? That's the sharpest pinch."

I wrote the first draft of this at the time of the performance in question, and I have decided in my recent revisions not to try to adjust it in any way in response to the scandals surrounding Kamila that have followed and turned public perception of her almost upside down. They do cast a different light on the poem, but one that adds new and telling meaning, I think.

Nice, Alexandra. A few first thoughts:

S1: Ribbon/silkspin could be a slant rhyme, but my tin ear can’t make out any others in S1. Just noting. I love the word “silkspin,” but what is it anyway?

S1L4: “But here, Kamila …” seems odd, following a description of yourself, as if you weren’t “here.” It’s a very minor point, though, and you’re probably thinking of her as being in the room with you.

S1L5: Since we were talking about it elsewhere, this is what I’d call a line with a very trochaic feel, though in context, of course, I’d scan it as headless iambic. It makes the line expressively strong and dynamic.

S1L6: How about “wintery” to avoid a tetrameter line with a final anapest?

S2L6: This line reads like headless anapestic tetrameter. You need something like “opens” in place of unfolds, though you could also drop “Meanwhile” for some wiggle room: maybe “Kamila’s now unfolding like a flower.”

S3L3: You’ve mangled the idiom “cuts a dashing figure,” which I find refreshing.

S3L5: I’d drop the comma before “too.” You wouldn’t put one before “also,” would you?

Alexandra, I agree with a lot of Carl's nits.

S1L4, you could say "there" instead of "here," or "But here's Kamila, sliding like a ribbon."

S1L6, "wintry" is two syllables, but I don't think "wintery" is a word. How about something that is clearly three syllables, such as "crystalline"?

S2L6, I also thought of "opens" as metrically preferable to "unfolds."

S3L1 "skybound screw" sounds off-color, though I get what you are trying to describe. I'd suggest a different metaphor.

Your final "inch/nymph" rhyme makes me wince. I can't say exactly why it feels very awkward as a slant rhyme, but I think that "nymph" is hard to accept in a modern context. There is also something a bit off about your delegating transcendence to her, as if that is in your power to give. I get that you are being ironic, but it still feels inappropriate. Perhaps instead you could talk about the mixed feelings of seeing someone else achieving transcendence when you are stuck in the quicksand.

Susan

One site tells me that “wintery” has a long history, but is far less common and always has been. But here’s the interesting point: “There is no evidence that wintery is becoming more common, but the spelling does accurately reflect how many English speakers pronounce the word—that is, with three syllables instead of two.” How are you saying it, Alexandra?

Hi Alexandra,

I like the sounds you make and the poetry that results. Sometimes there's a trade-off though when poets go after the surprising word, the lilting phrase, the knitted sounds, and a snag or two result. i think Carl and Susan found some that on first reading I missed. Here're some ideas to consider that might address some of their points and also to my mind tighten the narrative a bit and bring out the self-effacing humor of the N a little more:

She glides. I curl and crumple in a heap—
with usual neck and stomach pain, one thumb
is plunged into a knotted trigger point.
Onscreen, Kamila slides, a slip of ribbon
stretching, swirling, flying swift as silkspin
across the white and winter-like ellipse.

. . . She’s out and back, unfazed by my collapse.
Once more, my fate is widening the gaps
that keep me from my inner champion.
My bids for gold mean getting basics done
in sport against myself—not art, not power.
Meanwhile, Kamila’s budding like a flower,

twisting high in air, a skybound Whew!,
then lands, “Boléro” surging through each cell.
Ah, what a dash she cuts when doing well
what fortune has allotted her to do!
I’m striving too, but haven’t budged an inch
where, plopped on rug, I give a twinge a pinch.

All the best,
Jim

Carl,

Right. Full rhymes just didn’t feel natural in this stanza, and no rhymes felt appropriate to me in its first three lines, because they’re describing something disorderly. The second three lines feel slightly more orderly as the n begins to become absorbed in Kamila’s orderly performance, and then in S2 the n really becomes focused on the whole situation, and that’s when full rhymes, with their more entrenched sense of order, emerge. (However, a touch of dissonance returns in the couplet, reflecting the contrast between disorder and order--the n with the hard word and Kamila with the soft one.) I know this is a bit of an avant-garde approach, but I'm hoping it works.

I made it up, but if you’ve ever seen someone spinning fiber, you know how fast that can go, and since silk is a thin and slippery fiber, I figured that that would make spinning it even quicker!

Right—I could think of various ways to couch this and wasn’t sure which would be best. Looks like this one isn’t. Does "But here's Kamila" seem less problematic to you?

Right, that was the intent—I’m glad that came through!

I’m pronouncing it with three syllables, which Merriam-Webster lists as a legitimate, though less common, pronunciation. I find that even in the sound demo of it with a two-syllable pronunciation, its sound borders on three syllables—which would be natural, since it’s built on the word “winter.” But since this doesn’t seem to be going over very well, maybe “wintery” or something else entirely.

Oh; I’d read it

MEANwhile KaMIla UNFOLDS like a FLOwer.

and I’d thought that the variation of pyrrhic-trochee in “-la unfolds like” mirrored the sense of a closed form followed by its unfolding. Still, I did realize that I might be piling on the variations too thickly in this line, considering the “meanwhile” (intended to convey a brisk, conversational feel) that preceded. It appears that you’re not alone in having a problem with this, so I’ll adjust it somehow.

Actually, I found the expression “to cut a dash” in my trusty WordHippo—apparently it can mean something like “to cut a dashing figure,” which exact phrase I actually hadn’t thought of (I'd been looking for a synonym for "make a splash," because that didn't sound icy), or, more broadly, “to have a rather bold manner.” I wasn’t sure how this odd expression would go over in this poem, but the sound of the phrase does somehow seem to explain itself—especially given the reference point that you mention. I also like how it evokes, at least to me, an ice skater dashing across the ice while cutting grooves in it.

Umm, yes? No? I thought one could go either way in this type of situation.

Susan,

Yes, I’d thought of both of those and am open to whatever works the best. I'm not sure I'd realized that "here's Kamila" sounds less as though she's in the room than "here, Kamila." That's a subtle distinction!

As I’d mentioned to Carl, the three-syllable pronunciation of “wintry” is considered by Merriam-Webster to be “less common.” Carl has since spoken to the “wintery” question, but “crystalline” would have beautiful sonances with “ellipse,” although it has a connotation of "clear" that would be at odds with "white." I’ll think about this.

Yeah, I've been wondering a bit about that. I'll see what I can do.

Hmm, all points worth thinking about. "Nymph" was just the word that arose naturally in my consciousness here. (I built the "inch" line around it.) I wonder how others feel about this word?

Jim,

There’s a lot to think about here in your demonstrated suggestions, a few of which were also-rans in my drafts. Thanks for taking the effort to brainstorm potential alternatives, but I’d find it helpful, with this poem and in general, to know exactly what you found off about particular words or phrases that you felt moved to change. For example, what advantage do you see in “knotted trigger point” as opposed to “acupressure point”? Or “keep” rather than “part”? You're seeing a bunch of snags that I don't. To be honest, I prefer to address potential problems in poems at a root level because firstly, that way I get to agree or disagree with each individual “diagnosis” of a problem point before deciding whether any tinkering is even warranted, and secondly, each writer has their own response to certain challenges and I like for solutions to emerge organically from my own consciousness and voice. It’s a nicer feeling than simply holding a vote on each of many prospective changes that someone else has presented in their own whole-poem revision—plus being robbed of the potential satisfaction of arriving, myself, at any of those solutions that I do decide to adopt. However, an occasional suggestion on an individual point or two, after the potential problem has been explained, is fine with me.

Seems like the problem should still be there (here?), but for me it’s subtly better. I wouldn’t have thought of it, but I think it weakens the contrast of location.

This is the process I go through:

STEP 1: My first, singsongy reading throws up “UNfolds.” STEP 2: Picking myself up after that stumble, I try a natural reading, which gives me anapestic tetrameter—odd in context, but it works. STEP 3—figuring out where I might add a fifth beat for consistency—is one I never get to, because I’m eager to get back to reading.

Without dismissing Susan’s objections to the last line, I should note that, with “the sharpest pinch,” the takeaway is now sheer frustration, rather than a realization that Kamila has her thing to do and you can derive some inspiration from it.

Hi Alexandra,

I like very much the opening line, where you begin the “compare-and-contrast” threads that you weave through the poem. I particularly like “curl” with its link to curling (the winter sport), and the link from a dance move on ice to a painful reflex of the narrator.

I didn’t quite get “normal” in S1L2 but I’m guessing this indicates that the narrator has a chronic problem. The sliding ribbon and the silkspin were lovely similes.

I like the conceit in S2L1 that the relationship between N and Kamila may be mutual.

S2L2. I’m not sure why “gaps” is plural. (Presumably to make a perfect rhyme with “collapse”) And why “deepening” rather than “widening”?

S2 L4” it’s sport against myself” is a little difficult to interpret. What is the “it” and how is it “sport”. King Lear reference? I guess you mean that while Kamila suffers for her art/sport, the N suffers just in surviving.

I think the changes you have made are improvements but I did like the original “skybound screw” S3L1. Watching the video of her performance that seems to me to be an accurate and evocative description of some of her dance gestures.

You might make the final line S3L4, a little bolder. Eg you could lose the question mark.

“She is transcendent. That’s the sharpest pinch.”

We know who Kamila Valieva is but we don’t know quite what the N’s circumstances are. I might like to hear more about him/her, but then again I can see that is tricky within three shortish stanzas and you have done a pretty good job keeping both characters in the frame.

Cheers

Joe

Carl, I’m glad to hear that the “here’s” switch seems an improvement. “There’s” would seem completely anathema to me considering the feeling of closeness that surrounded this moment. And I’d hesitate to adopt any alternative that didn’t convey “but,” since I think it’s important to make the contrast between Kamila and the n explicit here, since it’s the crux of the poem.

Thanks for describing your reading process of the “flower” line. Each step of this process seems exceedingly bizarre to me, except maybe the last one ;)—I’m glad about that.

The last line—hmm. Yeah, it’s a shift. For more flexibility, I’d probably have to shift the rhyme word in the previous line. Will mull. Maybe "keenest" instead of "sharpest" would bring some of the previous feeling back?

Joe, I’m glad to hear that some of the effects I was trying to deploy worked for you. I certainly hadn’t thought of the double meaning of “curling,” because although I knew it was a sport, I knew no details about that sport. I'm not sure if you also noticed the juxtaposition between the n’s thumb plunged into an acupressure point and Kamila’s thrust into the air, a parallel/contrast which only occurred to me after the writing.

Yes, by “normal” I meant “usual,” and that’s what I would have said if I were free versing. You guessed right, as I hoped people would. But since Jim seemed to think “usual” would be better, too, maybe I should change this. I suppose it's not critical to mention that it's both neck and stomach pain, and I might keep meter by freeing up some space through omitting the neck reference. Or I could just embrace an anapest.

As to “gaps,” I was thinking of each gap representing a different way in which the n was kept at a remove from her inner champion. Of course, the rhyme was my first concern, but the plural form of "gap" didn’t feel like a stretch to me. I’ve thought many times, myself, that “widening” would seem more logical than “deepening,” but somehow “deepening” is what feels psychologically true. The n feels not so much that she’s getting further and further away from her ideal, but that the way to it is becoming increasingly treacherous. (It would be harder to navigate a shallow gap than a deep one.) It also hints, I’d hoped, at the psychological dimension of her disconnect—that it’s not all about practical reality. I might yet relent on this point.

The “it” would refer to the preceding gerund phrase “getting basics done.” I’d thought that the meaning of “sport” as competition here rather than play would be indicated by the competitive skating context. The n’s activities are sport because they feel competitive, as well—the n is competing against her own weakness, and against life. I suppose I could say “against life” or “against the world,” instead, come to think of it, though I’m not sure either would clear up your confusion. You did get my meaning right, but I’ll think if there’s a way I can make this part clearer.

I’m glad you like the revisions, other than losing “skybound screw.” I did think that apt, yet I can also see how it may seem off tone here, especially coming on the heels of Kamila’s opening like a flower. Even before receiving feedback, I’d thought it would be nice if I could unify both of these descriptions under one simile or metaphor--for a less scattered effect, too--and once I was pressed toward it, I was excited that one of “furl”’s meanings is to twist into a spiral shape.

Interesting idea on the last line. I’ll think about it, even as I’m thinking on Carl’s feedback on this same line, which would suggest changing it entirely.

I’d thought I was really risking the look of egocentricity enough in this poem that’s ostensibly about Kamila by bringing in the n as much as I had. Of course, there’s nothing binding me to “three shortish stanzas”--I took the space I thought I needed to convey what I thought needed to be conveyed. I see your point on the n’s circumstances remaining rather fuzzy, but I guess I was holding myself back because I knew that to delve in more would be jumping in a rabbit hole for me! Still, it's worth mulling. Maybe a companion poem would add depth. I do intend to write one about one of Kamila's recent performances, which for many reasons is a polar opposite of the above one, and she's in obvious pain throughout. This could make for a telling sequel. Thanks for all your thoughts, and I'll be checking in on your thread soon.