Long-Range Forecasts
 

Horrorscopes


Aries

You race to seize the lead and beat the dawn.
You'll get the Porsche of your dreams. Head-on.


Taurus

"Vaccines? A hoax." You'll never fall for that.
Long Covid's real, though, and will knock you flat.


Gemini

You've found your perfect match, your psychic twin.
Too bad he's phishing just to reel you in.


Cancer

"Cancer means crab, not tumor." It won't thrill you
to learn its other meaning's going to kill you.


Leo

Pride goes before a fall. You lead the pack,
so when you're near a staircase, watch your back.


Virgo

You're known for caution, planning, skill, and vision.
Your surgeon, sadly, lacks your own precision.


Libra

You search for balance. It's a quest that fails.
A stroke awaits you as you tip the scales.


Scorpio

You don't take kindly to betrayal, do you?
But payback leads to lawyers who will screw you.


Sagittarius

Adventure calls. You go for the long shot.
And when that fails, the close one that does not.


Capricorn

Hard work, ambition, stress, control—you lack
none of the makings of a heart attack.


Aquarius

You go your own way, like an Alpine river.
And when you're blue, you'll try to drown your liver.


Pisces

Your mind's a slippery duo, Jekyll and Hyde:
there's no predicting to what depths you'll glide.


Revisions:
S1L2 "Head-on" was "Head on"
S2L1 was "Vaccines are a hoax."
S2L2 "Covid's" was "Covid is"

I enjoyed these little snacks. They're like sour olives.

In "Aries," I'm embarrassed to admit that I took "Head on" as a command, not an adjective, so I didn't get the joke at all until I had read through the others and came back looking for the same sort of vibe. A hyphen ("Head-on") would have clued me in to the adjectival-ness on the first reading, I'd like to think.

"Taurus" is very difficult for me to find the metrical pulse in. I think making both lines more fragmentary ("Vaccines? A hoax.") would help.

Julie, usually a two-word adjective is hyphenated only when it precedes a noun. But if that leads to confusion, I am willing to add the hyphen. I have taken your advice, too, on the meter of S2, though I think I like more variation than you do.

Susan

Hi Susan,
The title is funny, and clever! I almost missed the pun, on my first reading.

I agree with the small nits Julie mentioned, but I see you've addressed them while I've been writing this. I still feel that Long Covid with an apostrophe would work better:

"Vaccines? A hoax." You'll never fall for that.
Long Covid's real, though, and will knock you flat.

(I'm not a fan of variation for the sake of it, in place of perfect rhyme and metre.)
I can see how "Head on" might be misconstrued as "Carry on", here, so I'd also prefer "Head-on", to clarify the meaning you're after.

I think Sagittarius could be improved. I found that one the weakest, with the stress on
Adventure calls. You go for the long shot.
And when that fails, the close one that does not.

Each one is deliciously wicked, though, and I really enjoyed your "horror"scopes!

Jayne

I'm getting a whiff of Agatha Christie - "And then there were none." I particularly liked Sagittarius. I wonder if "glide" is the best ending for the final couplet. If you had "Slide" it would go with slippery, and feels more fishy to me (well eely perhaps)

Joe

Jayne, I am glad you enjoyed it. In "for the long shot" I meant it to be a double iamb, with the stresses on "long" and "shot." I took your advice about the apostrophe in S2L2.

Joe, I am glad you liked the Sagittarius. I think it is the most sly of the epigrams. I see what you mean about "slide" seeming appropriate for going to depths. But I think of "slide" as implying contact with a surface, whereas "glide" seems more appropriate for movement through air or water, and Pisces are fish.

Susan

Fun stuff, Susan.

Like Jayne, I stumble on Sagittarius. Even the double iamb doesn't work well for me, because "long shot" takes emphasis on "long." It is a sly sentiment.