Eratosphere - Casual Coupleting

Eratosphere (https://www.ablemuse.com/erato/index.php)

- Metrical Poetry (https://www.ablemuse.com/erato/forumdisplay.php?f=13)

- - Casual Coupleting (https://www.ablemuse.com/erato/showthread.php?t=36306)

Casual Coupleting

version 3

The Wolf's Prayer

I wore the blue serge suit and power ties,
perfecting casual poses, easy smiles.
I nodded yes in board rooms, fitting in
and hid my wolfish wiles in wooly skin.

I learned like herbivores in petting zoos
to soften eyes and cock my head when cued.
I lied the lie that wars prevented wars,
then cooked the books and, spiteful, settled scores.

I waived the great ungrateful weight of guilt
and soothed hurt feelings with a smoothing lilt.
I twisted arms of meek subordinates
or transferred them to far coordinates.

I never thought my sins were all that odd
but, just in case, I ask forgiveness, God.

version 2

The Wolf’s Prayer

I wore the blue serge suit and power ties,
perfecting casual poses, easy smiles.
I nodded yes in board rooms, fitting in
and hid my wiles beneath a sheepish skin.

I begged like herbivores in petting zoos
and picked my times to bleat or smooze.
I lied the lies that wars prevented wars,
then cooked the books and, spiteful, settled scores.

I waived the great ungrateful weight of guilt
and served up innuendoes’ doubled lilts.
I bullied praise from meek subordinates
and pegged a map with owned coordinates.

I never thought I wore a greed much odd
but, just in case, I ask forgiveness, God.

version 1

The Plebe’s Prayer

I wore the blue serge suit and power tie.
I tried the casual pose and easy smile.
I nodded yes in committee, fitting in.
I hid my guile beneath a sheepish skin.

I lived in a petting zoo of herbivores.
I lied the lie that the end to wars was wars.
I’ve felt the great ungrateful weight of me—
I’ve shrugged my shrug and switched on my TV.

My hand has shaken some and my eye has twitched.
I’ve stood as heretic on trial bewitched.
My greatest fear is not of fear itself
but wasted fear that sits unused on shelves.

I ask for courage to stand now up or down
plus freedom just to somehow smile or frown.

L13, "now" added

Hi Glenn,

Thanks for the comments! My response is in red below.

Jim

Quote:

Originally Posted by Glenn Wright (Post 504125)

Hi, Jim—

You do an excellent job of conveying the N’s emotional condition. He is a reluctant prophet, like Jonah, who is concealing his fear and anger in order to get along with his friends and co-workers, and he finds that concealment to carry a heavy price.

You are so good at seeing meaning in a poem. I think that sometimes readers see the author's's subconscious coming through much better than the author does. This poem is the story of an N that I mean to represent as a literary "everyman" who has been in the boardroom and on the workroom floor but who cannot escape the burdens of his own lack of confidence and the demand to compete in the survivor game afoot in the real world. I came of age in the late sixties, early seventies, graduating high school in 1970. Back then, anti-heroes were coming much into vogue and the malaise of everydayness was taken for granted. I think I find it too easy to just depict symptoms and leave it at that, no need to justify the pessimistic view, as you point out more or less in your next comment below:

What is less clear (and maybe it is supposed to be) is the cause of his unease. Is he afraid that his political beliefs, if revealed, would make him unpopular? Is he unwilling to be a whistle-blower at work, fearing retribution from colleagues? Clearly the N feels that there is something wrong that needs to be pointed out forcefully, but he lacks the courage to speak up. At the end, he prays for this courage to be able to be his honest self. I wanted to know a bit more about the situation causing his self-castigation. The title suggests that as a “plebe,” he is a junior member of the organization he wants to criticize, but “plebe” can also mean a member of the disenfranchised, non-patrician class of Roman society.

I searched for a word besides "plebe," which seems too associated with being a newbie now, especially one new to college life. My other ideas were "Fool's Prayer" and "Joe Schmoe's Prayer," none of them seeming right.

I especially liked, “I lived in a petting zoo of herbivores,” suggesting that the prevailing social norms forbid any emotional display that might seem aggressive or challenging.

Thanks for saying so.

I wondered about S3L2: “I’ve stood as heretic on trial bewitched.” The syntax is a bit tortured, and I was confused because he seems to have said earlier that he avoided revealing his “heretical” ideas.

I have long been a tortured syntax kind of guy, I admit. Like I feel about overt rhyme, I think a little twisted syntax helps to find ideas and to flash originality that wouldn't be found otherwise. I know I am in a small minority of writers who still feel this way, and that it hurts my chances of being taken seriously by the modernists. I just think that "Four score and seven years ago..." and "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your..." are memorable for mainly one reason, their tortured syntax. Now, that said, because I haven't come up with anything great with my tortured syntax in this instance, I should probably revise it as you suggest.

I enjoyed the poem very much! Hope this is helpful.

Thanks for the comments. Lately, I've been needing to sleep on advice before it can sink in and spark creativity. The lifespan of interest in a thread on the sphere maxes out pretty quickly and my revisions are slower than once were. Of course, we can play ping-pong with revisions too, if we try to make them too quickly. Jim

Glenn

Hi Jim,
I wonder if 'Joe Schmoe' might be better than Plebe (it's certainly more arresting.)

S1/L4, not convinced by 'guile' (perhaps simply 'self'?)

S2/L4, any way to avoid another 'I've'?
I’ve felt the great ungrateful weight of me
and shrugged and changed the channel on TV.

S3/L2, I'm with Glenn in terms of questioning 'heretic'.

S4, any way to switch these sentences round. Asking for courage seems the stronger sentiment (and plus weakens that, for me.)

RG.

Hello Jim.

It seems to me that the IP metre missteps occasionally. On the assumption that this was not deliberate, I had a go at regularising it. But, in doing so I may have corrupted your meaning. But anyway...

I wore the blue serge suit and power tie.
I tried the casual pose and easy smile.
I nodded yes in board rooms, fitting in.
I hid my guile beneath a sheepish skin.

I petted in a zoo of herbivores.
I lied the lie that wars prevented wars.
I’ve felt the great ungrateful weight of me—
I’ve shrugged my shrug and switched on my TV.

My hand has shaken and my eye has twitched.
I’ve stood as heretic on trial bewitched.
My greatest fear is not of fear itself
but wasted fear that sits unused on shelves.

I want the courage to stand up or down
I want the freedom just to smile or frown.

FWIW

Joe

I am glad I read this Jim much, much to like.

Regards,

Jan

Hi again Glenn, and also, Hi to Richard, Joe and Jan,

I've posted a new version making use of everyone's crits to some extent. Glenn, I hope this new narrative makes more sense. Richard, I got rid of heretic and guile and threw out the last two lines in favor of something new. Joe, I did not mean my meter to be off, so thanks for pointing out some bumps. Jan, I hope I didn't lose what you found worth liking. The poem now offers a different take and a lot of changes.

I'd certainly like to hear which version is worth my future efforts if anyone still has time to give it a look. Thanks for the help already provided.

Jim

Hi Jim,
like the new title and much of the revision, but some individual words (begged and bullied primarily) could be stronger.

and hid ambition 'neath a sheepish skin ?
(wiles, after wolf, seems too predictable somehow.)

I begged like herbivores in petting zoos
Just can't see a 'wolf' begging (it's an ego thing)

then cooked the books and, spiteful, settled scores.
Same thing, it doesn't seem like something a wolf would say/admit to (but they'd doubtless do. Perhaps they'd see it as 'bent the rules'?)

I waived the great ungrateful weight of guilt
Wondered about 'swerved the great ...' ?

I never thought I wore a greed much odd
but, just in case, I ask forgiveness, God.
I like it, but would a wolf be asking?
but, just in case, what price forgiveness, God? ?

Dare one mention the T word?

RG

Hi Richard,

I wish I had your energy and production. I can't give as much attention to both your threads and your crits as I'd like to. Your crits ask for efforts of real revision. Are you under some mistaken impression that this is a workshop and not a vanity site for those of us too poor or lazy to create our own site? Perhaps, I jest, perhaps, I, not. There, that's my response to your "dreaded T word" comment, which made me laugh.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Richard G (Post 504207)

Hi Jim,
like the new title and much of the revision, but some individual words (begged and bullied primarily) could be stronger.

I have some ideas to change these, but since I like them more than you do, I'll mull a bit.

and hid ambition 'neath a sheepish skin ?
(wiles, after wolf, seems too predictable somehow.)

well, yeah, the wolf in sheep's clothing whole thing is a standard trope, but I gotta get it across somehow. the same response applies to the next of your crits too.

I begged like herbivores in petting zoos
Just can't see a 'wolf' begging (it's an ego thing)

then cooked the books and, spiteful, settled scores.
Same thing, it doesn't seem like something a wolf would say/admit to (but they'd doubtless do. Perhaps they'd see it as 'bent the rules'?)

I waived the great ungrateful weight of guilt
Wondered about 'swerved the great ...' ?

I think in my first version my N was bearing the weight. Here I mean for guilt itself to bear the weight until the N, the wolf, waives it. No need to bring up the T word, again, I hear you.

I never thought I wore a greed much odd
but, just in case, I ask forgiveness, God.
I like it, but would a wolf be asking?

No, a wolf would just eat the liver first, paw some dirt over the carcass, and take a nap.

but, just in case, what price forgiveness, God? ?

Thanks, that is a better last line. Yes, let's bring the T out in the open as to the penultimate line. I say "wore a greed" as another play on wearing a disguise. I tried three other versions of that line:

I never thought I wore a greed thought odd.
I never thought I wore a greed that odd.
I never thought I wore a greed deemed odd.

before I uncertainly settled on:

I never thought I wore a greed much odd.

Dare one mention the T word?

Let me be sure, we are talking "T for terrific?" Indeed, tortuously terrific at that. ~ Jim

RG

Hi, Jim—

I like some of the changes and some words/lines from the original. Here are my impressions.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jim Ramsey (Post 504102)

The Wolf’s Prayer Are you thinking of “The Wolf of Wall Street?”How about “The Assistant Manager’s Prayer?” or “The Confession of an MBA.”

I wore the blue serge suit and power ties,
perfecting casual poses, easy smiles.
I nodded yes in board rooms, fitting in
and hid my wiles beneath a sheepish skin. “sheepish skin” sounds like “sheepskin” = diploma. I see that you are playing with “wolf in sheep’s clothing.” Maybe:
and hid my wolvish wiles in wooly skin.

I begged like herbivores in petting zoos
and picked my times to bleat or smooze. I keep reading “smooze” as “snooze.” Do you mean “schmooze?” Maybe:
“I learned, like herbivores in petting zoos,
to curry favor, look sincere, and schmooze.”
I lied the lie that wars prevented wars,
then cooked the books and, spiteful, settled scores.

I waived the great ungrateful weight of guilt
and served up innuendoes’ doubled lilts. Maybe: “and played each innuendo to the hilt.”
I bullied praise from meek subordinates
and pegged a map with owned coordinates.I’m not sure what this line means. Maybe:
I bullied praise from all my underlings
noting weaknesses and pulling strings.

I never thought I wore a greed much odd This line is pretty contorted. Maybe:
I never thought my sins were all that odd,
but, just in case, I ask forgiveness, God.

Hope this is helpful. I like that you turned the sonnet into an actual prayer, of sorts.

Glenn