Living a Double Life
 

version 4 (which tries to smooth the syntax of S1L4 and S2L4 after receiving Simon's, David's, and Jayne's comments on syntax}

In Front of Me

A hidden cave, an open gate
a wall to climb, a path sublime…
all while I looked among those books,
I fingered spines and cocked my head
and lingered long on those I'd read.

And, here, I browsed, and, there, I paused,
but journeyed then within my head
to choose instead to give a look
to time now gone, and think then of
what things I loved the most when young:

A baseball game, a faithful friend,
some famous name, a hero praised,
a football great, a movie star,
a dollar bill, some distant hill,
a cool night breeze, or girl to please.

I thought a while, then, with a smile,
I knew what I was looking for
while searching more through mind and time
to find the things once loved the most—
it was the books, O yes! the Books!

newest edit 3-19-25 pluralize "thing" throughout

version 3

In Front of Me

A hidden cave, an open gate
a wall to climb, a path sublime…
all while I looked among those books,
I fingered spines and cocked my head
and lingered where were ones once read.

And, here, I browsed, and, there, I paused,
but journeyed then within my head
to choose instead to give a look
to time now gone, and think then of
what most I loved when I was young:

A baseball game, a faithful friend,
some famous name, a hero praised,
a football great, a movie star,
a dollar bill, some distant hill,
a cool night breeze, or girl to please.

I thought a while, then, with a smile,
I knew what I was looking for
while searching more through mind and time
to find the thing once loved the most—
it was the books, O yes! the Books!


version 2

In Front of Me

All while I looked
among the books,
I fingered spines
and cocked my head
and lingered where
were those once read.
I paused now here,
I paused then there,
but ended up
within my head
to look instead
at times now gone,
soon thinking of
what most I loved
when I was young:
a baseball game,
a faithful friend,
some famous name,
a cool night breeze,
or girl to please.
I thought a while.
Then, with a smile,
I knew what I
was looking for
while searching more
through mind and time
to find the thing
once loved the most—
and it was books.


version 1

In Front of Me

The while I looked
among the books,
I fingered spines
and cocked my head
and lingered where
sat ones once read.
I tarried here,
I tarried there,
but ended up
within my head
to choose instead
to give a look
to time now gone,
and think then of
what most I loved
when I was young:
a baseball game,
a faithful friend,
some famous name,
a cool night breeze,
or girl to tease.
I thought a while.
Then, with a smile,
I knew what I
was looking for
while searching more
through mind and time
to find the thing
once loved the most—
and it was books.

Why was it books? I can relate to your speaker in preferring books even to other things he loves, but what's missing for me is what, exactly, about books pulls him back even when his thoughts are elsewhere. They just do?! I want more...

I'll leave it to others to examine your dimeter and rhymes. The poem reads fine for me.

A few things along the way though:

There are places here where your diction and syntax read as archaic to me, and they could be easily altered for a crisper, more contemporary effect: the while, ones once read, tarried, etc.

Some famous name seems needlessly vague to me. Athlete? Musician? Actor? Scientist? Supreme Court Justice? Why not say to enrich characterization of speaker?

A girl to tease would sound more natural to me than or girl. More significantly, the narrator's apparent syntactical suggestion that his fellow human being exists to him only so he can tease her and is about as significant to him as the breeze (in contrast to the male? faithful friend), well, maybe I'm being the PC police again, but it makes me like him a little less.

Anyway, I hope there's something here of use or interest.

Cheers, --Simon

Hi Simon,

Thanks for your take on this. I've changed some words to mimic what I think may be closer to current diction, doing so with doubts that there's one short list of words that people commonly use in conversation and no others. For instance, because Eminem or Snoop Dog would not say, tarry, or piddle, or dawdle, I would not feel too remorseful if I did, or feel guilty either of being condescending. From what I read in much modern poetry, the whole idea of poets using conversational language is more a dictum that academics quote rather than an art they actually practice. I'll admit, of course, that words fall out of use. But if my dictionary does not identify them as archaic, I think it's a judgement call as to when to say their time has come.

Jim

Jim--I'm in broad agreement with your last post, although I think Snoop and Eminem have some good ones. All best, --Simon

P.S. It's not an authority that means anything to me--in fact it irks me regularly--but the autocorrect on my phone tried three times to replace "tarried" before it finally believed me...

Hi Simon,

I once read a music review that called Eminem the greatest wordsmith of our time (quite a few years ago now.). Snoop Dog is becoming the face of the National Football League. In addition to that I think they write more interesting stuff than most of the most highly rated lit mags publish. I go to sleep trying to read The Missouri Review, The Georgia Review, et al.
That said, of the rappers, I like Harry Mack, just for his immense talent in improvising. Check him out on YouTube. He is extraordinary.

I've posted a new version of this poem that so far only you out of some sense of charity have shown interest in. I've tried to respond to some more of your advice and have changed the line structure so that it reads more easily given that the pauses built in before may not have been warranted by the light treatment I give the subject. I'm not trying to prompt another response from you so please don't respond again unless you feel compelled to do so. Thanks for sharing your ideas. Much appreciated.

Jim

I always like using dashes to emphasize importance, and the last line especially is a strong place to use it. I think the poem flows better with the division into stanzas. I also like the internal rhymes in the 3rd stanza.TO me the narrator is at a crossroads and he is trying to find his inner child/thing that is dearest to him for guidance and he remembers it is books in the end, the things most important to us are “in front” of us the entire time.

Hi Harry,

Thanks for commenting and welcome to the site. I especially appreciate your feedback on the shift to stanzas since that was a major change and no other feedback has been forthcoming since the change. Your reading of the poem is spot on. I worry a little that my message is so on the nose and so common with poets that it does not draw much interest here. But it is meaningful to me. I used to read approximately one book a day for years growing up. Then later when an adult I began sounding out the words in my head when I would read, exploring stylings and nuances more. My reading slowed down but my appreciation for the craft of writing greatly benefitted At one point though I developed an undiagnosed sinus infection as well as undiagnosed hypertension and for years reading made me sleepy and dizzy. This poem is a celebration of that moment when I regained my ability to read freely again.

Jim

Hi Jim,
version 3 feels perilously close to done.
Not sure about the climb/sublime rhyme (had me looking for others which distracted unnecessarily.)
Perhaps 'still' instead of 'then (S2/L2)?
Do you really need S3? The examples aren't that interesting (in that they feel quite generic) and leaving a void might offer the reader a space to fill in for themselves.

RG.

Hi Jim. I think is a very winning hymn to the Books. Your love of them is very apparent here.

The only real thing I'd say against it is that the fifth line in the first verse reads a bit awkwardly to me - I think it's the "where were ones once" that sounds a bit off.

Otherwise, lovely.

Cheers

David

I absolutely love version 3 Jim.

It resonates no nits from me just praise.

Jan