Eratosphere - Barometric Impulses

Eratosphere (https://www.ablemuse.com/erato/index.php)

- Non-Metrical Poetry (https://www.ablemuse.com/erato/forumdisplay.php?f=14)

- - Barometric Impulses (https://www.ablemuse.com/erato/showthread.php?t=36346)

Barometric Impulses

Weather Girl

She is a weather girl,
knows her clouds.
She wields her clouds
as they will her.
The accumulating cumulus,
the nimble nimbus, she mumbles.

She watches
their to-and-fro rub in
patches of blushing joy
across the sky.
Her wind song jukeboxes
the happy hours.

She loves the spread
of a dust-saddled plain, going minimal
in that scheme, one lost Fragonard,
the sky on top aquiver, huge,
the wind’s missive on her skin.

She’s found another
lover of weather.

He loves his sky with clouds.
He would watch two clouds
beside themselves, hands flashing
rags rub-stroke-rub the sky; O the agony
as they fall apart,
a clump of contrail bruised against the sky.

Next stop: a symphony
of wind-lust—cleaved and clasped
over a Harley, when crows fly into
the wide-mouthed-

O—. Tunnel, wind tunnel, the throes
of your contraptions are deceptive.
Flick this switch: the eddies suck you in.
Flick that switch: the torrents blow you off.

And a pang overwhelms
for the rhythm of windmills.

But, O the evening sky.
O, O the calisthenics of the night sky.

Now, she sees the weather
in everything—through her looking glass,
a diorama of clouds.
She sees the color of temperature,
the needs of weather
when it has no need for us.
Her story forecasts the history of weather.

Hi Alex,

Some really quick thoughts from me.

The tone is working really well for this reader. I enjoyed the apostrophic raptures -- O wild West Wind and so on.

I had some trouble getting to the bottom of some of the phrases --

'She wields her clouds / as they will her'

and likewise 'going minimal ... huge' and 'hands flashing ... sky'.

I think some of those phrases could be nixed for clarity and forward-momentum.

You might also look at tightening S2 to something more like 'She watches / their to-and-fro rub and blush / across the sky'. I know you lose the question of to whom the blushing belongs / that ambiguity, but I sense some more economy can be introduced here. The ambiguity could perhaps be maintained in something like 'to-and-fro rub and blushes / across the sky'.

The introduction of the lover feels simply and plainly told but also somewhat abrupt.

The mostly italicised strophes are a lot of fun. I'd be hard-pressed to explain what the 'throes / of your contraptions' is up to. Are the switches, and the preceding, meant to refer obliquely, also, to erotic accoutrements?

The final strophe feels a like a bit of an anticlimactic (heh) step back into a more contemplative tone. I'm not sure how much I enjoy the step into reflective statement and abstraction to close this poem.

Enjoyed it. Thanks for posting and I hope these rather quickfire comments are of use.

Hello, James,

Thanks for your thoughtful feedback! Your observations about tone and the apostrophic moments are encouraging.

You've pinpointed several areas that need clarity – particularly, portions of the descriptive passages. You're right about stanza 2; your suggestion for economy there, while preserving the essential image, is spot-on.

The lover's introduction is abrupt - intentionally so, but perhaps too jarring.

Your point about the final stanza is well-taken. It does shift into a more contemplative mode that might undercut the energy built throughout. I'll reconsider how to maintain momentum through the ending.

These comments are extremely helpful – thanks, James, for engaging with the poem so thoughtfully!

Cheers,
…Alex