Jack
 

Spoils

Then for the first time – both feet on the ground
and finding his land legs again, while the hen
laid gold and his mother clucked her approval
at last – Jack noticed the world wore a shine
that flattened it somehow, as if all the shadows
had sizzled away in an infinite noon.

He leaned on the gate and it wheezed a little.
The air was dead, not even a breeze
today. Near the shed the beanstalk lay
across that impossible body. Jack’s head
ached now in the light, but hadn’t it been
much brighter up there in the windswept house?

He remembered curtains, adrift like clouds,
and the woman, the bitter taste of her bread.
The faded glow of the oven in which
he’d hidden. The warmth of the pantry he’d raided.
The glitter of spoons. The voice of the harp
that wouldn’t sing now, whatever he did.


Changes:

changed comma in S1L1 to a dash
S1L3 was “laid gold and his mother clucked her approval – ”
S1L4 was “for the first time, Jack noticed the world wore a shine”

Hi Hilary,
an enjoyable reimagining of the tale.
Some, ever so minor, niggles.

Starting with 'Then' - I'd prefer the immediacy of 'Now'.
You have 'for the first time' twice in the opening verse, once seems enough.
Puzzling over shine/flattened, but I suspect it's me not getting it ... yet.

Not sure about 'adrift'. Or 'glitter'
'he'd hidden' followed by 'he'd raided'
(Should a pantry be warm? Also, does the 'glow of the oven' refer to its metal - in which cast ow! - or its coals?)

RG

Hilary,
I like the doubleness of the title, how it is both "plunder" and "rots." I was intrigued to see how the slant rhymes of S1 (hen/shine/noon) lead into the lack of slant rhymes in S2 (or if they are there, they are in the middle of lines), and then they start to return in S3. I agree with Richard that there is no need to repeat "for the first time" in S1. I like the way that success is equated to being shadowless, and how that bright light becomes oppressive.

Susan

Hello, Hilary,

This is a vivid and inventive reimagining of Jack and the Beanstalk. I really like how you explore the aftermath—what it feels like to return to the everyday after something extraordinary.

That said, I wonder if the abstraction in “a shine / that flattened it somehow” is doing quite enough. The word 'somehow' in particular seems to undercut the potential impact. Perhaps something more concrete or specific could add weight here?

The second instance of “for the first time” might also benefit from variation. As it stands, it feels a bit static, and the narrative might progress positively with something more dynamic or revelatory in its place.

Also, “the impossible body” is a compelling phrase, but a touch ambiguous—possibly too much so for the emotional payoff. Expanding on or clarifying that image might make it more resonant. Similarly, the transition from the squeaky gate, to the stillness, to Jack’s headache is a bit abrupt. You might consider sharpening the contrast between the dead air and the sensory overload of the giant’s house—e.g., the silence outside versus the “voice of the harp” or the oven’s glow.

Still, this is an atmospheric piece with strong mood and emotional texture. Good luck with your revisions, Hilary!

Cheers,
…Alex

Hello Hilary,

Metre and line length could be regularised but it would have to be done carefully as it would be an absolute shame to lose any of the charm this poem has. It has retained the feel of the fairy tale with disbelief suspended.

Jan

I’ve been an admirer of your work since you arrived (since that delivery), and this swept me up and away as well. The movement and momentum of this is inspirational to me, and, once again, it seems that your every detail is so fully considered and so naturally placed. There’s a confidence (the only way I know to put it now) about your writing, how things unfold.

Some specific thoughts. I love that you break after “breeze” so that the rhyme of “today” and “lay” occur on the same line—among other things, I saw it as an echo of what’s happening (happened) in the poem, the body of the giant from end to end. And I do love the sound in this poem. At first I paused on “adrift,” but now I like it quite a bit. And it adds to the wonderful dreaminess of the poem. Nothing but praise from me. If I can actually find anything to pick at, I’ll come back.

As an aside, when I was brushing up on the details of Jack and the Beanstalk, I found out that it’s possibly a much older (ancient) story than I ever imagined. According to wiki, it could go as far back as sometime between 4500 BC to 2500 BC. Incredible. I also think it's interesting that the story, the portrayal of Jack, was changed from the original so that he would not be seen as a villain (giving him a reason to steal, kill the giant, etc.).

Richard, Susan, Alex, Jan, and James, thank you to each of you for your feedback. It is very helpful.

There seems to be a consensus about the repetition of “for the first time,” so I have changed the second instance of it and I think improved the rhythm there (maybe?).

Richard, I did wonder if someone would think the oven’s glow (though faded) sounded rather painful. I was picturing coals or wood that had mostly gone out, which still sounds dangerous but maybe that’s appropriate since he is hiding from a giant who wants to eat him? I have thought about changing “glow” to “warmth” and “warmth” to something else that I haven’t decided on – not sure yet.

Susan, you are correct about the rhyme scheme. To be honest, the way the slant rhymes fell at the ends of lines was mostly haphazard; I noticed it but was not aiming for a set pattern. There are a number of internal rhymes throughout. It’s helpful to know that you think the title works.

Alex, I am contemplating alternatives to “somehow.” Not sure yet what I want to do there.

Jan, I think the meter is fairly regular? It is accentual – at any rate, I was counting beats per line when I wrote it. Are there certain lines that stand out to you as not working? I am pleased that you think I captured something of the fairy tale feeling here.

James, that is interesting about the antiquity of the story and the changes. I’m not surprised. Even with the version I learned as a child, I always thought Jack’s actions were pretty questionable. I’m glad you like the poem.

Hi Hilary,
I like both the changes in S1, it reads much more smoothly, and that 'at last' carries some nice psychological weight. Do you need to add a – after 'first time'?

As to 'faded glow' might the oven have embers? And perhaps the pantry could be contrastingly chill.

Just a vote for 'somehow' - I rather like how it reflects Jack's bafflement.

RG

I'll vote for "somehow" as well.

I like the vagueness of "somehow," too, since it underscores a vague dissatisfaction most of us can relate to — perhaps first experienced when the long-awaited birthday has arrived and the last present has been unwrapped (no matter how many there had been) and we ask ourselves, at first only literally, "Is this all there is, then?"

I like just about everything in this very nuanced poem very much, but especially the implications of the "bitter bread" that Jack has eaten (whose gruesome secret ingredient is so well-known from the giant's "Fee, fi, fo, fum" song).

Personally, I would like an en dash rather than a comma after "first time" (whatever you decide to do re: "Then" or "Now"). I think it would give more emphasis to the en dash before "Jack noticed", and strengthen the connection between the main part of the sentence and the first line.

Wonderful work, Hilary.