Old guys' night out
 

Here we go again,
just a couple of old guys
on a mild Friday night out,

two tranquil husbands
unleashed with little risk. We
won't get up to much.

What are we having?
Two pints please, if not John Smiths
or local Yokells,

some exotic guest -
Frisky Housemaid, Witch's Fart
or Satan's Squitters.

We'll find a corner,
beyond the gaudy patter
of the fruit machine,

for conversation,
remaking the weeks we've had
in our own image.

Making it better,
my mother used to call it,
kissing where it hurt,

and that's what this is -
the healing balm and boost
of beer and sympathy.

Hi, David—

This is a touching piece. You use restraint and gentle humor to express how important it is simply to have someone to listen to us tell about our lives—our small triumphs and petty regrets—and to receive encouragement. I’d call it “Beer Therapy.” Fine work.

Glenn

Hi David,

This is nice. The tone fits well. I also think Glenn is onto something with his title suggestion, though another alternative could be "Pub Therapy", or maybe "Therapy from/on a Stool".

To me, it felt weaker from "we won't get up too much" (which was labouring a point/feeling you already got across in a more subtle way, I thought) until "Satan's Squitters". Removing those seven or so lines would tighten the poem overall, I think, and leave room for more detail to be added, which I think might be necessary in order to make the poem come alive a bit more/give a more rounded picture.

I also thought the last stanza was unnecessarily stating something directly that was already expressed in a better way, so I'd suggest ending on "kissing where it hurt" or coming up with an alternative ending.

I enjoyed this, and I'd like to see more of it if you're inclined to wallow more in this world. I'd certainly take another visit as a reader.

All the best,

Trev

I think this is fine as you posted it, title and all. I don't see a need for changing anything. However, I might not object to losing the last stanza as Trevor suggests. If you do that, maybe change the title to "Beer and Sympathy"? I don't like introducing the word "therapy," though. Too clinical, and it's not accurate enough in my opinion. It's a good poem as it stands, so don't hurry to make changes.

Thanks Glenn. And thanks Trev. I will look again at the offending seven or so lines. I don't think I want to finish on "kissing where it hurt", though.

And thank you Roger. I will - as you suggest - think about it before making any changes.

Cheers all

David

Hi David

Old men getting together and remaking the world in their own image. It’s good to catch up with a friend who instantly understands your side of the argument.

I enjoyed the bemusement at the range of micro-brewery beers on offer and their increasingly silly names, all doing their best to catch the punter’s eye. There are so many of them, and they keep changing, that I can no longer keep up. I often say, just pour me a pint of one that’s less than 4%.

I did think that your imaginary exotic exemplars were slightly over the top. Each of them amusing but they diverted my attention a little too much away from the old guys and the importance of their mutual affection and the much needed reassurance that not everyone has gone mad. And now you’re going to tell me there really is a beer called Witch's Fart

Cheers

Joe

I like poems that are written about the mundane and everyday life. I think this poem to me has potential. I think I would have liked for there to be maybe more narrative and not as much abstraction for the reader. Maybe include some description of the old guys struggling somehow and for the beer to maybe give them some relief. I think maybe after stanza 2 there could be some description of their mental state or something that they are struggling and then towards the end to show how talking and beer helped.

Thanks Joe. I take your point about the beer names. I honestly can't say I've ever seen Witches' Fart on sale.

Hi Harry. Thanks for those pointers. What goes into, and what gets left out of a poem is a matter of personal taste, so I appreciate your take on that.

Cheers both

David