Sonnet
 

Version 1.10

Since you the light is brighter in my eyes,
And more and more I shut them tight to heal
Them from their own impudent rushes. Whys
And wherefores make no sense: I feel, I feel,
And feeling is enough. I hear the bee
Across the fields approach a jasmine flower.
How soft it lands! How soft you land on me!
How much can be extracted hour by hour?

It is not work; it is not even play.
I calmed to watch you hover and delay,
Anticipating all that waiting weight,
While wondering exactly what can sate
My open flowered need. I have to know
Before you tire and and your skin says "no".


Version 1.00

Since you the light is brighter in my eyes,
And more and more I shut them tight to heal
Them from their own impudent rushes. Whys
And wherefores make no sense: I feel, I feel,
And feeling is enough. I hear the bee
Across the fields approach a jasmine flower.
How soft it lands! How soft you land on me!
How much can be extracted hour by hour?

It is not work; it is not even play.
The petals calmed to watch the bee delay,
Anticipating all that waiting weight,
While wondering exactly what can sate
What cannot stay still sated. I must know
Before I touch you and your skin says "no".

Hello Yves,

This might just be me being dense, but you had me until the last 5 lines. I wasn't exactly sure what was going on or what was being said about it. "all that waiting weight" is nice wordplay, but I wasn't sure how we got from having already landed to "calmed to watch the bee delay."

"stay still sated" also threw me off a bit. I wonder if this might be a place for using a common word/phrase even though your wordplay / soundplay is fun.

Even though it's in the volta, "skin says no" still felt a bit too far removed, or not set up enough, for me to understand why there might be a no at all. Also, I'd be curious to find out if I'm the only one for whom the transition--from the lover and bee being the ones landing to the speaker being the one doing the touching at the end--was a bit confusing.

Overall, there is some really lovely language and play in this sonnet. And paired with some interesting ideas and questions. I just need a bit more help to follow you all the way to the end thought.

Take care,
Chelsea

Hello Chelsea,

Yeah, it is really helpful for me to see how far you could follow the poem, and I am glad you enjoyed some parts.

For now, I am using a stanza break between octet and sestet, and I will wait for more comments before making more decisive changes.

Thank you.

Here is an alternative ending I came up with while writing the poem in case the "no" ending was too much of a curveball.

It is not work; it is not even play.
The petals calmed to watch the bee delay,
Anticipating all that waiting weight,
While wondering exactly what can sate
What cannot stay still sated. I digress
Before I touch you and your skin says "yes".