Success
 

Accomplished (revised)

Succeeding as a poet means you know
you're nobody. Writing your name in water,
you dissipate, dissolving in the flow.
Succeeding as a poet means you know
you're planting rows of seedlings in the snow.
Not truth but mere oblivion is Time's daughter.
Succeeding as a poet means you know.
You're nobody, writing your name in water.


Accomplished

Succeeding as a poet means you know
you're nobody. Writing your name in water,
you broaden by dissolving in the flow.
Succeeding as a poet means you know
you're planting rows of seedlings in the snow,
yet still you plant. Oblivion is Time's daughter.
Succeeding as a poet means you know:
you're nobody, writing your name in water.

Hello, Susan,

This is a well-crafted triolet that thoughtfully explores the paradox of poetic success. The form is handled with skill, particularly in how you've varied the repetitions slightly to create nuance.

A few observations:

• The metaphor of "writing your name in water" (echoing Keats's epitaph) works well with the dissolving imagery
       
• I'm not entirely convinced "broaden" is the strongest choice in "you broaden by dissolving in the flow" - perhaps "deepen" or "expand" might better capture the transformative nature of this dissolution?
       
• The planting seedlings in snow creates an effective image of persistence against impossibility.
       
• In the final repetition, the colon and comma in "you know: you're nobody, writing" might be reconsidered for flow - perhaps simply "you know you're nobody writing your name in water" would allow the closing line to achieve its full resonance.

The meditation on poetic anonymity balanced against the drive to create despite "Time's daughter" (Oblivion) shows philosophical depth.

I hope these thoughts are helpful, Susan!

Cheers,
...Alex

I think about this frequently, so it resonates. I agree the form is well-handled. The one part I don't care for is "Oblivion is Time's daughter," which feels to me like a generic philosophical statement that doesn't quite fit the poem. I'd like to see something else there, personally.

Hi, Susan—

Very well-crafted. Poetry certainly seems like a futile and unavailing activity to anyone who is not a lover of poetry. It is not a highway to fame for most poets, nor a turnpike to riches. But it is a commitment to beauty and a sacrifice laid on the altar of Truth.

I agree with Hilary about “Oblivion is Time’s daughter.” It seems a little out of focus with the rest of the piece. How about using that space to offer a justification for the seemingly absurd action of planting doomed seedlings in snow? Maybe something like
Yet still you plant. Not being is worse than slaughter.

Glenn

Thanks for the suggestions. I have made some revisions based on them.

Alex, I have removed "broaden" and the colon in L7.

Hilary and Glenn, I thought the saying "Truth is the daughter of Time" was better known than it seems to be. I have tried expanding L6 to make clearer what I am implying.

Susan

Hi Susan,

I like the general feeling of this and the brevity. I think it works well. While the sense of repetition works quite well too, the direct repetition of specific phrases feels unimaginative to me. I do think that repetition can sometimes work well in poetry, but for me, it just brings it down a little here. I'll add a few comments below. Also, I think "Success" is a better title than "Accomplished".

All the best,

Trev

Succeeding as a poet means you know [good, simple and direct opening line]
you're nobody. Writing your name in water,
you dissipate, dissolving in the flow. [The first three lines move along nicely. I wouldn't change anything there.]
Succeeding as a poet means you know [I'd be inclined to replace "Succeeding as a poet" or maybe even the whole line; for example, something like "It means you seek and somehow grow / by planting rows..."?]
you're planting rows of seedlings in the snow.
Not truth but mere oblivion is Time's daughter. [This line is a bit too opaque for the general vibe of this poem, I think, and "mere oblivion" strains too hard towards the poetic. How about something like "Not truth, but being forgotten,..."?]
Succeeding as a poet means you know. [This repetition would be more palatable if the second one wasn't included, I think. It would give a sense of bringing the poem back to where it started in a satisfying way]
You're nobody, writing your name in water. [I do think you need to vary this line, though. Is anything to be said for changing the "nobody" to "somebody" here? If you don't want to directly imply that there is a big change from the nobody to the somebody, you could simply remove the comma after "somebody" so that it could either refer to a person in general or to the idea of being someone important.]

Maybe "Success if you're a poet means you know"?

L6 has an extra beat to my ear. I'd make it "oblivion's" to lose the "is" perhaps. Or maybe something like "Oblivion, not truth, is Time's true daughter".

Interesting thought, that oblivion is part of the definition of success for a poet. You're not just saying that it's sadly inevitable, but you seem to be saying that it's part of the very definition of success. I'm not sure I quite get that, though. Wouldn't true success, however impossible, mean enduring recognition?

Trev, I am considering "Success" as a title. I was hoping that "Accomplished" would evoke both "talented" and "finished," but that may not be coming across. This is an example of a triolet, so the repeated lines in L4, L7, and L8 are part of the form. I was trying to contrast "truth" and "oblivion" in L6, and it helps that they are both nouns. I am not sure that "being forgotten" would work as well.

Roger, I'll think about that alternative L1. I don't like using an apostrophe twice in a row in L6. I prefer just to have an extra unstressed syllable, which can be elided. In L6 I am trying to imply that whereas unsuccessful poets may kid themselves that if they were successful, their work would live forever, the successful poets know that oblivion is inevitable sooner or later, and probably very soon. L2 alludes to both Dickinson ("I'm Nobody") and Keats, who thought as they were dying that their poetry would never be remembered.

Susan

Susan, I like "Accomplished" as the title. I got the double meaning. I also picked up the Dickinson reference. I am less knowledgeable about Keats.

I think L3 is improved in the revision ("dissipate" is great). I'm still not sure about L6 but I do think the oblivion bit reads better, less out of place, now that you've expanded it a bit.