This is darkly fun. Alicia is right about L3 which is not conversational one would expect of quoted speech. One possibility is "He just can't hold on to a parking space," which is direct and works better, even with the repetition of 'just'.
Quite a wacky plot ... but, dunno about that fresh-dug grave just for some beat-up Lexus though!
Cheers,
...Alex
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