Quote:
Midsummer
Twelve white cattle on the crest,
Milk-white against the chicory skies,
Six gazing south, six gazing west
With the blue distance in their eyes.
Twelve white cattle standing still.
Why should they move? There are no flies
To tease them on this wind-washed hill.
Twelve white cattle utterly at rest.
Why should they graze? They are past grazing.
They have cropped the grass, they have had their fill.
Now they stand gazing, they stand gazing.
Only the tall redtop about their knees
And the white clouds above the hill
Move in the softly moving breeze.
The cattle move not, they are still.
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I didn't take a really close look at this poem until just today. I think that Hope came close to a great poem, but didn't quite make it. He indulged in too much repetition, and he didn't tie the poem into a profound thought or observation that would have completed it. I myself don't have the talent to finish it; nonetheless, I changed four lines (the lines are denoted by asterisks):
Twelve white cattle on the crest, (a)
Milk-white against the chicory skies, (b)
Six gazing south, six gazing west (a)
With the blue distance in their eyes. (b) (gorgeous line!)
Twelve white cattle standing still. (c)
Why should they move? There are no flies (b)
To tease them on this wind-washed hill. (c)
Twelve white cattle utterly at rest. (a)
They gaze because they are past grazing; * (d)
They have cropped the grass and had their fill. * (c)
Now they stand gazing, possibly dreaming. * (d)
Only the tall redtop about their knees (e)
And the white clouds above the hill (c)
Move in the softly moving breeze. (e)
* [Last line cut]
My changes are small and few, and one of them breaks a rhyme, but I think the poem is slightly improved. By removing the last line, I reduced the repetition and turned the poem into a sonnet. I'll work on coming up with the profound thought that I mentioned.
"They gaze because ..." is possibly the worst part of my "improvement". What do you all think?
By the way, I don't understand the rhyme scheme.
[This message has been edited by Caleb Murdock (edited December 07, 2000).]