Dear Alf,
There's definite promise in this one. It's obviously an early draft and you fall into a few beginner's traps. You are wise to try the workshop experience and we will help you improve.
Into my heart an air that kills
From yon far country blows:
--Excellent opening image and the Chernobyl allusion is powerful. However, you should avoid archaisms like 'yon' and strive to avoid inversions to achieve a more conversational tone.
What are those blue remembered hills,
What spires, what farms are those?
--'Blue' hills? If you can see the spires and farms, how can you say it's a far country? 'Those' is obviously rhyme-driven.
That is the land of lost content,
I see it shining plain,
--For 'plain' consider 'plainly', which is grammatically correct.
The happy highways where I went
And cannot come again.
--Good close.
Thus, you might consider:
Into my heart an air that kills
blows from the not very distant country over there:
What are those (green? brown?) remembered hills,
What spires, what farms are they?
That is the land of lost content,
I see it shining plainly,
The happy highways where I went
And cannot come again.
Take or leave as you think appropriate.
Welcome to Erato, and good luck in revision.
Best regards,
David
|