Quote:
Originally Posted by Zita Zenda
Thank you Martin!
It was fun to turn one out, and I didn’t dare try another. But you won’t stop!
Yes yes! ‘kvetch’ must stay! Did I say it mustn’t?? It was the ending that didn’t ‘match’, and still feels weak compared to the rest.
What is it ‘we’ve built’? And ‘your woes’ would work better than ‘earth’s woes’ in terms of ‘her kvetching’. Earth has no woes, within this poem at least.
Something like this, maybe…
Your sour moans will ruin what we’ve built
between us, making love. So best get past
the imperfection… let us sing... a lay!
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Zita - Thanks for your thoughts. I think your one poem is better than any of my many attempts!
I like your suggestion for the last three lines. I've rewritten them in my own way, mixed with some of your phrases, too. Thanks!
I guess I was confused about your feelings regarding "kvetch." It's going to stay in! Yes, it was the end that was weak. Hopefully it's better now.
Martin