[John Whitworth]

Competition
Lucy Vickery
Wednesday, 3rd March 2010
Lucy Vickery presents the latest competition
In Competition No. 2636 you were invited to submit either a victory song or a loser’s lament composed by one who regularly enters this competition.
All in all it was a lively and entertaining entry. And while there were fond references aplenty to the good old days — ‘Bono sub regno Jaspistou I’d gain,/ The occasional cheque for my toil, tears and pain...’ laments Martin Woodhead — when good sense and justice prevailed, the current incumbent stands accused of a litany of crimes, including having a tin ear and no sense of humour.

Bill Greenwell, He Who Almost Always Wins, featured in many entries, as did several other serial winners, but Bill’s victory song narrowly missed the cut. Josephine Boyle and Chris O’Carroll were also unlucky. The winners, printed below, get £25 each. The bonus fiver goes to Basil Ransome-Davies for a masterly portrait of paranoia.

When I didn’t win last week I could tell it was that clique
Who conspire to keep my winnings lean and low.
They’re the calculating kind who have poisoned Lucy’s mind.
When I’m left out of the money, how they crow.
They subvert, connive and sneak; it’s their underhand technique
To dish a comper of the foremost rank.
Oh, I’ve sussed their little games. I’m not naming any names,
But they’re green with petty envy, to be frank.
People call me paranoid, but I don’t need Sigmund Freud
To know what’s happening surreptitiously.
Just by joining up the dots I’ve detected all the plots
To make a chronic loser out of me.
It’s a shock and a disgrace that fellow-poets are so base,
Descending to skulduggery and crime.
I’m a brave man but it hurts to be robbed of my deserts —
A top-prize-guaranteed win every time.
Basil Ransome-Davies

Well, I’d just given in, tossed my works in a bin,
when this Wednesday the Speccie proclaimed one
fifth-best Pastoral Ode to a Bodily Node—
I’m a poet again, an acclaimed one!
I retract all my slurs on those heretofore curs,
since the judge now esteems unsurpassed rhyme,
on my efforts Miltonic, she’s smiled, solomonic—
she’s so vastly improved since the last time!
Pour the finest cuvee, what a glorious day,
Though I never once doubted I’d do it,
Let the poetasters all sip their wormwood and gall
As they read it and covet and rue it!
I’m a god, I’m a seer, I’m a bard without peer,
With this win I have vanquished defeat, it
is a palpable joy I’d find quite unalloyed—
if I thought I could ever repeat it.
Frank Osen

Ms Vickery, might I mention, yet again
my work of genius has been overlooked.
Not that I make a fuss, (though, to speak plain
the ones you print are, frankly, undercooked.)
Perhaps your ISP is on the blink
I tell myself when Friday morning comes.
Or do they bribe you? Just tip me the wink
and I’ll, discreetly, send appropriate sums.
I’m versed in sonnets, quatrains, villanelles;
at times I have essayed the triolet,
and couplets, too. They win as well.
Suppose I offered you a rondelet?
My O levels were once the talk of Leek
My spelling’s proper: look, here’s Nietzsche, Farquhar.
Perhaps I’ll make the winners’ ring this week.
In hope. Sincerely yours, M. Parker
D.A. Prince

Ransome-Davies here, aka Basil,
My nerves in a terrible frazzle:
Where once I was brill
I’ve now gone downhill:
Ms Vickery, why can’t I dazzle?
Despite my immense intellect,
I fear lest my prospects be wrecked:
In the dear days of yore
I scored whisky galore,
Cobra beer and a ton of respect.
I feel it my duty to mention
The perilous state of my pension:
Forget Holtby and Petty,
They’re richer than Getty *—
Give me preferential attention.
Mike Morrison

Oh dire day! Oh cruel fate!
Immersed in overwhelming grief
I weep into my handkerchief
And rue my sad and sorry state.
Today, convinced my rhyme would win,
I scanned the page a thousand times
But all I saw was others’ rhymes,
My sure-fire winner wasn’t in.
Enshrouded in depression’s pall
I wallow in my loser’s pain
And shower curses yet again
On this week’s winners, one and all.
But all’s not lost. It could be worse.
Perhaps I’ll write the Larkin way
And who knows, Lucy then might say,
‘Well, stone the crows! This Be The Verse!’
Alan Millard

Between Chess and Crossword
Eyes scanning Competition
Lost again
John O’Byrne