If I like one thing about this it is the short lines. So many sonnets are padded out to the required length and shape.
"Sweatpants" is a most unpleasant word to me. But I guess usual in U.S. English. To this Englishman it sounds like damp underwear.
One nit: I want to stress "her" in the last line to make the contrast with "his" (which is stressed) clear. But I can't because of the metre. Well, not can't--I'm sure someone will tell me there is a really clever substitution in there somewhere. I just feel that I want a visual indicator of that stress. Dare I suggest italics in a poem which already uses them for something else?
Philip
|