This manages to be coyly inventive and yet quite passionate at the same time. I agree with Sam & Cathy on the need for some basic housekeeping--but I'm not sure exactly how to proceed, and think extensive experimentation on the page would be necessary to decide on a consistent visual plan. I do think the italicizing of both the parentheticals and the direct dialogue is a mistake: that's where it gets just too busy. I think all the direct quotes could just be straight, with nothing but the she say/she sings to identify them as dialogue. That would smooth out the look considerably and keep all those italics from competing with one another for attention.
I do so love the device of only translating the epigraph within the body of the poem! And the closing image of each stanza is startlingly good.
Nemo
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