I have to agree. Although Catherine's 'housekeeping' did help the poem, I think it might need even more work, as Nemo and others have said.
For me personally, as I said above, I can get the parentheticals to work better if I imagine them as snatches of the woman's dialogue. It makes for an interesting effect, especially in S2, where it feels as if she is talking at the same time as the omniscient narrator is telling us what's happening:
He asks her (Dido and) why women fall
The omniscient narrator says "He asks her" and it's as if the character suddenly "interrupts" to say "Dido and" to the man in the poem.
It's very strange but very cool to see it that way, rather surreal. I very much doubt that's what the poet intended, but it works for me.
I love the writing style in the poem. I wouldn't know what to call it, but the words "nonchalant sophistication" come to mind, and I mean that as a compliment. Cally said it better when she commented on one of the very fine lines in the poem: "I love it when a poem can slip in such enormous truths without seeming wise."
I love the part about the moon and the sea, and of course the "sleeping trees". I also like the "speckled knot of snakes" in the woman's hair. Though it's hard not to associate to Medusa, and I'm not sure whether that's intended. Finally, I wonder about this couple. I get the feeling it's a "prologue" to a possible relationship. That is, It doesn't seem as if the passion is there yet; it's a relationship that hasn't got off the ground yet. But you can feel the potential passion in the periphery, out there with the moon and the sea. Very charming.
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