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If my suggestion for your poem seems to alter your intent, know that I didn't come up with the suggestion out of thin air, but suggested something that seemed consistent with elements of the poem as you posted it.
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Yes, Roger, that is where this kind of comment is extremely useful. It tells me, the writer, that I am not getting across what I had hoped to get across. I have full respect for the crit per se.
Again, off topic. Regarding the Montale poem, I went back to re-read it just now and the George Key translation still blows my mind. This may be because I assimilated it early.
Then I went to look at the original in the bilingual edition (translated and annotated by) Jonathan Galassi. With respect to Galassi, who has done a monumental job, his translation (of that particular poem) fails to move me as the George Key translation does. So I am unsure about my previous statement regarding translator fidelity. As we know, language is a tricky business.